Teach what you were never taught…

Instead of buying your children all the things you never had, 

you should teach them all the things you were never taught. 

Material wears out,

but knowledge stays.

— Bruce Lee

In my family, it would be healthy communication skills. I observed a lot of world war three battles, but saw no resolution, or learning, over the years. Fortunately, I attended many a therapist-led weekend relationship workshops (in an attempt to save my marriage). We were taught how to “clear”, or, express ourselves in an emotionally neutral, factual and respectful manner. Now, admittedly, clearing is harder when tensions are high, but with practice you get better at conferring with your partner about each of your wants, needs and requests. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some situations no longer serve…

Shifting

As you are shifting, you will begin to realize that you are not the same person you used to be. 

The things you used to tolerate have become intolerable. 

When you once remained quiet, you are now speaking your truth. 

Where you once battled and argued you are now choosing to remain silent. 

You are beginning to understand the value of your voice 

and there are some situations that no longer serve your time, energy, and focus. 

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but as time passes (particularly post pandemic), I find I have significantly less energy. My priorities have changed. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Experience, the best teacher…

A lot of shit broke my heart

But fixed my vision

Read that again

— Unknown 

I spent a lot of time waiting to be loved, saved, appreciated, valued (consciously and unconsciously). Finally, experience (and a lot of therapy, life coaching, improved work ethic and accountability) taught me to do all of this for myself. And then I met my perfect partner. But we take care of own stuff first, and then each other. Everyone wins. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How to avoid heartache…

* Believe patterns not apologies

* Don’t fall in love with potential

* Believe red flags

* Know your worth

* Don’t lower your standards

— Unknown

I wish I could coach my younger self. In particular, I did not heed the red flags. I did not have an appreciation for my deal breakers. In my defence, I guess you don’t know what you can and cannot live with until you have those experiences. Regardless, I spent far too much time around emotional bullies (in friendship and in love). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Holding onto the past and stuck on old energy?

Sometimes you don’t even realize you’re blocking your own blessings by holding onto the past and being stuck on old energy.

There’s always something better getting ready to enter your life. 

Start allowing it. Start letting go and making room for new energy.

Be ready to receive.

—Idil Ahmed

No question, I am one of those people who hates change. I don’t like the disruption and disarray. I stayed in my past relationships way too long because I didn’t want to go through the pain of change. In truth, I was also afraid that a better partner/relationship wasn’t out there. You always hear that relationships are work, and so I wasn’t sure if I should work on the one I was in. While I was pondering, my partner found a better match. Duh, did I feel silly. But in the end, I sorted out my needs, wants, must have’s and deal breakers. I found my handsome prince and he was well worth the break up, newly single and dating phases. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What we need in a relationship…

What we need in a relationship:

* Trust

* Safety

* Respect for one another

* Freedom to be yourself

* Forgiveness for when we don’t get it right

* Ability to compromise

* Willingness to talk about the hard stuff

* A commitment to work through issues

* Fondness and admiration of each other

* Equality when it comes to wants, needs, goals and any big life decisions

* Someone who is all in

— @centredselftherapy, Lucille Shackleton

After two divorces (one in my early twenties, and one in my mid-thirties), I took a time out to figure this whole thing out. My second husband and I were in therapy to try and save our marriage, and as it turns out, this helped us decide to part ways. Intensive, individual therapy also helped me figure out where I was going wrong. I had embarked on relationships that, in fact, were not suitable for me, right out of the gate. There were neon sign deal breakers that I had been ignoring, even with basic compatibility. For example, I’m a neat freak and ended up with quite an untidy person. I’m also very attentive with time and paired up with someone who was chronically late, to the tune of 45 minutes. Yes, huge deal breaker, particularly when it comes to movies and flight departure times, Lol. In both marriages, I would say I was not given the freedom to be myself, which is the ultimate deal breaker, looking back on it. So I sat down and made a very comprehensive list of needs/wants in a partner, based on who I am and how I want to live my life. It took about a year and then I met the perfect love of my life. We were amazed that we both had written lists, and they matched perfectly. Fate? Or excellent self care and forethought? Maybe both. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The dreaded respiratory season…

Sickness comes on horseback 

but departs on foot.

— Proverb, picturequotes.com

Funny, but not so funny if you’re one of us in the thick of it. This is apparently a real doozy of a respiratory season, with so many stuck in cold/flu/virus/RSV/Covid land. I’m in a movie of my own at the moment, which will hopefully find its ending soon, Lol (cold, flu, then landing on ear infection. Ugh). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good health to you this holiday season. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

Afraid of “not love”…

You are not afraid of new love. 

You are afraid of old pain.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says that a lot of us grow up knowing what love is not, rather what what love is. This leaves a lasting impression, and we become afraid of more “not love”. I free extremely grateful to have ended up in intensive therapy, where I’ve learned how to take care of myself and establish healthy boundaries and habits. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The ego vs the soul…

The ego says:

If it hurts, cover it up, run way from it, numb it with addictions, 

avoid it at all cost.

The soul says:

If it hurts, then as hard as it is, see it, be present with it, 

give it your love and compassion, 

for you cannot cut off a part of yourself and feel whole.

— xavierdagba.com (Trauma-informed transformational life coach and mentor) 

My favourite therapist says that “doing the work is not for the faint of heart” because you pretty much have to go through the deepest pain to get to the other side. I remember feeling pretty upside down for a while, and the tears flowed endlessly. I’m not afraid of the old wounds anymore though, and I’m able to visit the past with perspective (about generational trauma), and compassion for my relatives and myself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl   

 

The myth of marriage…

Most people get married believing a myth that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things they have longed for: companionship, intimacy, friendship, etc. The Truth is that marriage at the start is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. There is no love in marriage. Love is in people. And people put love in marriage. There is no romance in marriage. You have to infuse it into your marriage. A couple must learn the art, and form the habit, of giving, loving, serving, praising, keeping the box full. If you take out more than you put in, the box will be empty.

— Unknown 

What I learned, the hard way, is that marriage must begin with a very strong match. I married young and didn’t really know about deal breakers. It’s one thing to go on exciting dates, while going back to the safety of your own comfort zone and living habits. It’s an entirely different animal living with someone full time and navigating all matters of maintaining a household, raising children, managing finances and dealing with social/family commitments. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Suckrifice…

(n.) Doing what you absolutely must do, even though you really, really hate it.

— Unknown

Great new word, Lol. I don’t know about you, but I try to build in a little reward for myself after completing the ‘must do’ tasks. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Do some good?…

If you want to feel good, 

you have to go out and do some good.

— Oprah Winfrey 

Enough said. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Wired for protection and not connection?…

Our brains are wired for connection, but trauma rewires them for protection.

That’s why healthy relationships are difficult for wounded people.

— Ryan North  

My favourite therapist says that we tend to attract and choose people who are as capable and/or incapable of being in a healthy relationship as we are, and it will always look like we are the more stable one. Just sayin ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Spidey senses…

Trust your vibes. 

Energy doesn’t lie.

— Unknown

I’ve always been a believer in spidey senses, women’s intuition, things like that. In fact, when I don’t trust my instincts I almost always regret it. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl