Make it to Friday...

When someone asks where do you see yourself in 10 years...

Buddy, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

— Unknown

Lol ;) I hear that. Maybe there really is something to “One day at a time”.... particularly right now, in this groundhog, but very demanding time. Just sayin’ :) Hugs, XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Locked and loaded...

I slept 9 hours last night.
Absolutely locked and loaded for another big day
of hand washing and looking out the window.

— Unknown

Ha ha ha. ;) Thank goodness for a little comic relief in these crazy times. Just sayin’ ;) Stay safe and sane. Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

“I’m not ashamed of my pain”...

I’m not ashamed of my pain... Amidst all the joy and success I had so much emptiness and sadness... And my journey of healing helped me not only survive — but thrive.

— LeAnne Rimes (At 13 had the third-highest-selling album in America. The album earned her two Grammy’s for Best New Artist and Best Female Country Vocal Performance, making her the youngest artist to win in these two categories... but behind the scenes, overworked, exhausted and struggling).

Thank you Leanne Rimes for sharing with the public. My favourite therapist says that acknowledging and dealing with our pain has the power to save us and our important relationships (which are likely struggling as well). He says this is very much the road less travelled, so clearly not an easy (or quick, or low cost) journey potentially. From personally experience, I know that the rewards are hugely worth it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Can help you cope...

In these surreal, unnerving, uncertain and stressful times, some advice from Jack Kornfield (Clinical Psychologist and one of America’s true pioneers, who helped popularize practices he learned while training as a Buddhist monk).

“The first step is acknowledgement and the willingness to be present. You could almost whisper to yourself, ‘Sadness fear, anxiety, grief, longing,’ as if to bow to that feeling and hold it with respect. That allows the feeling to open — and maybe even intensify for a bit — but eventually to soften. The next step is to bring in a sense of compassion for all the fears and confusion and helplessness. These feelings are all part of the fight-flight-or-freeze instinct in the body and the mind. If I make space for the feelings and they have time to be felt, it’s as if my awareness gets bigger and I can hold all of this with greater ease and compassion and presence and steadiness...Your feelings are your organism trying to handle things... You don’t have to sit and do some formal meditation. In that moment when you’re about to snap, take a breath, turn away. Bring that quality of loving awareness, and name the feeling gently — upset, worried, frightened or whatever it might be — and then, almost as if you could put your hand on your heart, say: ‘ Thank you for trying to protect me. I’m OK.’ That can take 10 seconds and it allows us to reset our consciousness. All the good neuroscience on trauma and its release is based on this kind of caring attention. “

Thank you Jack Kornfield. This is some of the best stress management advice/guidance/how-to I’ve ever read. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Bet on yourself?...

I don’t like to gamble, but if there’s one thing I’m willing to bet on,
it’s myself.

— Beyoncé (One of the most influential artists of our time. She was on Time’s list of 100 most influential people in the world two years in a row and Forbes listed her as the most powerful female in entertainment in 2015. She has become a symbol of female empowerment and hope. Beyoncé’s net worth is $350 million, earning her a spot on America’s Richest Self-Made Women list).

It wasn’t until I fully invested in myself and my life that privately held (and pie in the sky, I thought) dreams began to come true. I remember reading that when we wish for certain things, we are not granted the rewards instantly per se, but rather we are given the opportunity to cultivate the skills necessary to manifest our vision. I faced a yucky relationship break up and career/financial melt down during the 2008 financial crisis, which left me at me at a personal ground zero. Fortunately, I had trusted coaches to turn to. My favourite therapist, in particular, said “You need to have your own back, all the way.” By this he meant, identifying and writing out what I wanted and needed/what my deal breakers are and standing by that list 100 %, no exceptions. Beyond that, I also decided to work harder than I ever have (one extra work phone call/email per day or goal to learn something new, even if it’s just research on LinkedIn or chatting with a colleague to share ideas). I also stepped up my health game and began limiting sugar/booze/junk food intake. I’ve always been a pretty healthy eater, but felt that sugar was a bit of a crutch. I also had no choice but to closely manage my funds. It took about a year to see real progress, but a transformation was clearly occurring. More than anything, it just felt good. I was proud of my ability to set up a plan, stick to it and see some cool results. I felt even more motivated and now, after some years, the routine is automatic and natural. What I didn’t expect was ending up needing less. Now that I am with the perfect love of my life (even when it isn’t perfect, Lol), I’m in a dream job and I can afford a very comfortable life with trips/entertainment/shopping, I don’t seem to need much. Don’t get my wrong, I love clothes, eating out and warm vacations and I do treat myself. I just seem to pre-plan, pre-pay and enjoy watching my savings account grow as well. Life is peaceful and rewarding even without the extra’s. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Will get you 100% respect...

10 Things that take 0 talent, but will get you 100 % respect:

1. Being on time
2. Work ethic
3. Effort
4. Body language
5. Energy
6. Attitude
7. Passion
8. Being coachable
9. Doing extra
10. Being prepared

— Unknown

I was one of those hardest hit by the 2008 financial crisis. Jobs were scarce in my field for a few years and the positions I was able to get paid less than half what I was accustomed to. Yikes. Scary times and I never expected the silver lining that followed. I managed to inadvertently cultivate a truck load of habits; maintain a daily ritual (coffee, check for important business updates, write out goals,  create plan of action), maintain fitness for physical/mental/emotional well being, be productive as though still employed, when job arrives do everything humanly possible to be indispensable. I finally landed my dream job and carried on with my daily rituals. Needless to say, I’ve enjoyed my highest earning years and more fulfillment than I thought possible. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Lockdown’s got talent! ;) ...

This lockdown got people thinking they are chefs, bakers, gym instructors... etc...
Like we’re watching Lockdown’s Got Talent 

— Mindy Bansal

That’s funny and so true. Being a silver lining girl, I can’t help but think that brilliant discoveries and breakthroughs will move us forward and onto better times. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Change the world...

No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.

— Robin Williams

If there was ever a time for us to share our creative and ingenious thoughts and ideas, this is it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Desire less...

There are two ways to get enough.
One is to continue to accumulate more and more.
The other is to desire less.

— G.K. Chesterton (English writer, philosopher, lay theologian and literary and art critic. He has been referred to as the “prince of paradox” and the “Apostolate of Common Sense”).

In this Covid quarantine, we’re certainly reduced to enjoying the simple things; food, sleep, fresh air (with the appropriate social distance of course), chatting with friends (over email, phone, Zoom/Skype). I enjoyed a Brady Bunch sized Zoom Love in on Friday night with some of my fav girlfriends and it was beautiful and teary. A lot of us are lonely and craving connection, in the almost complete absence of contact. We were so happy to see/hear each other and we laughed at the different, yet eerily similar stories of this weird time; waiting outside in line ups at the grocery store, drug store, liquor store, close quarter squabbles, struggling to find something new to watch on Netflix and wondering when we’ll ever get to hug each other again, let alone enjoy a weekend or warm get away. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Embrace who you are...

People may call what happens at midlife ‘a crisis,’ but it’s not. It’s an unraveling - a time when you feel a desperate pull to live the life you want to live, not the one you’re ‘supposed’ to live. The unraveling is a time when you are challenged by the universe to let go of who you think you are supposed to be and embrace who your are.

— Brene Brown

I do think we’re able to care less about what others think and pursue greater personal joy and fulfilment as we age. Our families, especially the older relatives, may struggle with some of our decisions though. But in the end, maybe our mental health and well being is worth a little family discomfort. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Investing in health (and self care)...

Your health is an investment,
not an expense.

— Unknown

I ended up attending a relationship seminar many moons ago because my boyfriend at the time thought I should (I had a repetitive struggle with certain family dynamics and I’m sure he was sick of listening to me, Lol). I wanted the relationship to work and I’m a huge psychology geek, so I thought sure, why not. Nothing to lose. Well, actually, it wasn’t cheap and I did give pause while writing out the cheques. I also had to give up many, many weekends, staring out at the blue skies on a warm Saturday/Sunday afternoon, which are all too rare where I live. From the moment I stepped into that room, however, I was mesmerized. I was also terrified because the moment I spoke the therapist/seminar leader said “May I coach you?” Yes, of course, I said. I was stunned at how quickly and easily he saw through me, to my most private wounds and probably somewhat crippling (emotionally at least) fears. I’ve never looked back. I’ve continued to work with this coach, my favourite therapist, who gives more generously of spirit than anyone I’ve ever met. He felt and feels more like a trusted family member/mentor, which was sorely missing in my world. Did I have the extra cash to spend on this work, which could have gone to beautiful new fashion items, or a trip to Hawaii? Part of me thought hell no, as I’m an almost SADS person during fall/winter. I would way rather head to the airport, than sit in this small room full of anxious people, re-visiting my vulnerable, unprepared “inner child.” My coach would say the only way to the other side of this is through it because we need to process what happened to us as children with our adult maturity in order to move forward in a healthy way. I’m glad I had the sense and courage to make that choice. There’s no way I would have found my own way to the communication and relationship skills that brought me to the love of my life and the sense of well being that I enjoy more and more each day. My career and finances have hugely benefitted as well. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Defining the problem...

If you define the problem correctly,
you almost have the solution.

— Steve Jobs

What I learned from my favourite therapist/seminar leader is that identifying how we feel is the biggest step in achieving greater joy and meaning in our lives. If we know how we feel, we can figure out why and then take necessary action. If pursuing therapy is too big a leap, writing gets a strong recommendation. We can write letters to people we’re in conflict with (even the fallen) and not send them, for example. This helps validate our experience and soothe our emotional world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

We are what we do...

We are what we repeatedly do;
excellence, then, is not an act
but a habit.

— Aristotle

Malcolm Gladwell (Outliers) contends that early access to getting 10,000 hours of “deliberate practice” are needed to become world-class in any field. A new Princeton study suggests that practice accounts for a lower percent difference in performance than originally thought, particularly depending on the domain:

* Games: 21%
* Music: 18% (Sex Pistols took the world by storm even though Sid Vicious could barely play his bass)
* Education: 4%
* Professions: 1%

Frans Johansson argues that deliberate practice is only a predictor of success in fields that have stable structures; tennis, chess, classical music (where the rules never change). In summary, mastery is more than a matter of practice.

Intuitively, I think we may know this. From K-12 we are measured against our peers and we see pure talent along the way and we see the passionate hard workers. I saw a new drummer in the band struggle at first, and then every time I walked past the practice room he was sweating with intensity. I mean every single time I passed. He is now a professional musician for a leading orchestra. A young man I know won a prestigious race in middle school and never ran again. He could run like he wind, but hated track and field. A talented young baseball player I know spent most of his free time growing up becoming a top pitching prospect, but as soon as he made the college team of his choice, he quit. Turned out, it was his Dad’s dream, not his. He’s more interested in the arts, depth and meaning. The take away for me is desire and passion. If our heart’s not in it, all the practice and talent is irrelevant. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Believe in the people...

I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.

— Abraham Lincoln

From what I’ve seen, people are really coming together during this crazy time. I love the 7 pm clapping and pot banging to thank our front line workers who risk their health, and potentially their lives each day, to help others. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Putting up walls...

The worst walls are never the ones you find in your way.
The worst walls are the ones you put there.

— Ursula K. Le Guin (American novelist whose works spanned nearly sixty years. Le Guin received recognition for The Left Hand of Darkness in 1969, and by the 1970’s was among the best known writers in the filed. She won eight Hugo awards, 6 Nebula’s, twenty-two Locus awards and in 2003 became the second woman honoured as a Grand Master of the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America. The US Library of Congress named her a Living Legend in 2000, and in 2014, she won the National Book Foundation Medal for Distinguished Contribution to American Letters).

My favourite therapists says one of our biggest obstacles is the conditioning from childhood, which can hold us captive to patterns that no longer suit (i.e. communication styles, or lack-there-of, conflict avoidance, whatever our parents tended to do). I’ve spent quite a bit of time dismantling this old house and it’s a process, that’s for sure. The rewards, for me at least, have been monumental. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

If it feels better...

Choose to be optimistic,
it feels better.

— Dalai Lama

I read a great psychology article a while back (sorry, I didn’t note the author/journal at the time), that described two different strategies people tend to use in managing stress. Some of us remain positive and optimistic, so we can cope with fear of the unknown and resist focusing on doomsday scenarios. Others feel better considering all scenarios, both good and bad, so they’re not devastated if the outcome is less than stellar. The author didn’t label either option as good or bad, but merely noted both are typical coping strategies. Personally, I’m a glass half-full person and I lean on optimism heavily. This allows me to break the fear cycle and enjoy visions of future wins and festivities. Some of my good friends feel that being more “realistic” allows them to put things in perspective and remember that life is a series of ups and downs. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Stepping stones...

Don’t carry your mistakes around with you.
Instead, place them under your feet
and use them as stepping stones.

— Unknown

Got it. Learn from our past mistakes and make better decisions moving forward. My favourite therapist says the goal is to identify the warning signs, pay closer attention during our interactions and act sooner rather than later. For example, when looking for our perfect mate, we should be clear on our personal deal breakers and not turn a blind eye when they show up (no matter how cute and sexy said person is, Lol) and spend less and less time dating partners that don’t really suit us. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Keep showing up...

Some days it just flows and I feel like I’m born to do this,
other days it feels like I’m trudging through hell.

Every day I make the choice to show up and see what I’ve got,
and to try and be better.

My advice:
Keep showing up

— Des Linden (The first American woman in 33 years to win the Boston Marathon. Linden has actually filed for a trademark on the phrase “Keep showing Up”).

Linden says show up, do the work and stay the course. Miracles can happen, if we’re willing to fight through the ups and downs. Just sayin’ :) Hugs XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Getting to the root cause?...

Beneath every behaviour there is a feeling.
And beneath every feeling there is a need.
And when we meet that need rather than focus on the behavior,
we begin to deal with the cause,
not the symptom.

— Unknown

My favourite therapist conducts amazing relationship workshops. I can’t tell you the number of critical life skills I’ve come away with. I sure never learned any of that at home, at high school, at college, or anywhere else. One of the big nuggets was the concept that there are layers of emotions and if we peel away, we can get to the heart of the matter. For example, beneath anger is pain/need. So a man screaming and yelling is sort of the equivalent of a baby crying. According to my favourite therapist it all begins with how we’re feeling. Just sayin’ :) Hugs XO

Blessings

Chatgirl

 

Any effort?...

Expecting things to change
without putting in any effort
is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

— Unknown

I consider myself a pretty motivated and hard working person, but my biggest leaps forward were a result of a humiliating relationship breakdown and job loss at the worst possible time. So I know that, when pressed, it is possible to be more brilliant and determined than one could have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Go to therapy?...

People in therapy are often in therapy
To deal with the people in their lives
Who won’t go to therapy

— Unknown

According to the National Institute of Mental Health, more than a quarter of American adults experience depression, anxiety or another mental disorder in any given year. Others need help with the death of a loved one, a relationship break up, an empty nest, serious illness, losing weight, losing a job, quitting smoking, substance abuse and the list goes on. The intention of therapy is to help people of all ages live happier and healthier lives. A psychologist allows one to talk openly in a neutral and non-judgemental environment and together, the patient and practitioner identify and adjust thought and behaviour patters that may be interfering with quality of life.

I’m a psychology major and I’m passionate about human nature, how we relate to one-another (or can’t relate to one-another), why we do the things we do (or don’t do things we could do), and the why’s. I’ve tried a number of different helping professions and I’ve found them all valuable in one way or another, but then again I love scrutinizing anything to do with the human condition. What I love best about “talk therapy” is the unconditional support. It feels loving to me in a way that I never experienced growing up. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Focus on your own voice...

Strange, isn’t it?

You know yourself better than anyone else, yet you crumble at the words of someone who hasn’t even lived a second of your life. Focus on your own voice, it’s the only one that matters.

— Unknown

Michael J Formica (Psychology Today) says our concern over what people think of us has primal evolutionary roots, as group inclusion was necessary for our survival and no one wanted to get left behind. The need for acceptance remains a powerful influence on our thoughts and feelings and can lead to people-pleasing, co-dependency, or even just over-sharing on social media. The challenge is to balance self- and other-perception. If we become too “externally focused” we can lose sight of our essential nature, our sense of self. Instead, we can focus on self acceptance and know that we are enough, just as we are. This recognition can free us from fear, allowing us to come into our full humanity and personal power.

Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Someplace to go...

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are.

— Mason Cooley

Words were never more applicable, Lol. Personally, I’m addicted to movies because I love the photography/music/wardrobe/energy of the actors/visceral feel, but either way, do we ever need our escapes right now. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

A cozy home...

The older I get, the more I realize I don’t want to be around drama, conflict or stress.
I want a cozy home, good food and to be surrounded by happy people.

— Unknown

I couldn’t have said it better myself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Bring peace...

If their absence brings you peace
You didn’t lose them

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had some important people fall into a relationship catch 22. Can’t live with ‘em, but difficult losing them. Catch 22 because the typical strategies seem ineffective; boundaries don’t seem to work, even in small doses there’s drama and a cold war or just plain silence reduces the drama but feels kinda sad. Having said that, it is joyfully peaceful away from stressful relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Change your mind...

Exercise not only changes your body. It changes your mind, your attitude and your mood.

— Unknown

Apparently, exercise promotes chemicals in the brain that improve your mood and make you more relaxed. Specifically, the brain releases feel-good chemicals (endorphins) throughout the body. Physical activity reduces anxiety/depression, enhances self-esteem, boosts energy and brainpower. 30 minutes or more of exercise a day for three to five days a week may significantly improve depression or anxiety symptoms and smaller amounts (10-15 mins a time) can also make a difference. At a time like this, at least we can still exercise (in our homes, or outside in nature). Just sayin’ ;)  Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Making decisions...

Boundaries are your responsibility.
You decide what is and isn’t allowed in your life.

— Brittany Moses

Thing is, we may not have as much say as we think. My favourite therapist says our past conditioning  can be like a silent system, running the show from behind the scenes. So unless we go in and clean out a few emotional/psychological closets, we may be at the mercy of old, out-moded patterns of behaviour and coping mechanisms. Just sayin’ :) Hugs. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl