Deeper...

"I am never upset for the reason I think."

- A Course in Miracles

What's really under our skin?... fear of not succeeding, not being able to provide, not being of value, not making a real contribution in our lives, not feeling appreciated?? .... etc... this is the tough stuff to identify, admit to, fix?... but if we could, what a weight we could lift... :) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The benefit of simmering ;)

"As a way of working with our aggressive tendencies... we allow ourselves to wait, to sit patiently with the urge to act or speak in our usual ways and feel the full force of that urge without giving in. Neither repressing nor rejecting, we stay in the middle between the two extremes, in the middle between yes and no, right and wrong, true and false. This is the journey of developing a kindhearted and courageous tolerance for our pain. Simmering is a way of gaining inner strength. It helps us develop trust in ourselves - trust that we can experience the edginess, the groundlessness, the fundamental uncertainty of life and work with our mind, without acting in ways that are harmful to ourselves or others."

- Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully

Temper tantrums feel damn good sometimes, but clearly not a great way to live in general... and the results most often suck! Lol ;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Adversity = advantage?

"Sports psychologists recently did a study of elite athletes who were struck with some adversity or serious injury. Initially, each reported feeling isolation, emotional disruption, and doubts about their athletic ability. Yet afterward, each reported gaining a desire to help others, additional perspective and realization of their own strengths. In other words, every fear and doubt they felt during the injury turned into greater abilities in those exact areas.... psychologists call it adversarial growth and post-traumatic growth."

Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the Way

Adversity is no joke and often comes with panic and a lot of anxiety... but when we survive and realize we like ourselves all the more for it - hell, it's pretty cool. xo

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Choices...

"Choose not to be harmed - and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed - and you haven't been."

- Marcus Aurelius

I'm thinking this one may take practice ... and some deep breaths, or maybe counting to ten at times ;) Lol.  Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Crying...

"Crying is not painful. It's not crying that is painful."

- James Anthony Ellis, Morning Musings (Amazon.com)

Even if it has to be in private, Lol ;) ... 'cause they say emotional repression leads to illness and we don't want that... Hugs.

Blessing,

Chatgirl

Work in progress...

"What a man needs is not courage but nerve control, cool headedness. This he can only get by practice."

-Theodore Roosevelt

We're a work in progress. It's all good:) Hugs

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Never satisfied

What is it about human nature that we're never satisfied. We're all familiar with "the grass is greener" phenomenon and we seem to face it a lot in life - be it with relationship, job, boss, friends, new home.... inevitably, there are things we don't like. The "new" wears off and we want something new again. Shopping is a legitimate addiction - the hit of something new that brings instant joy and satisfaction to our lives... until we spill our coffee on the new beautiful dress, or the dry cleaner ruins our new jacket... and so we need to go buy something new again... what gives and how do we deal with this??

Healing experts tell us that as long as we look "outside" of ourselves for that "hit" of joy, we'll never be truly fulfilled... because  "no matter where you go, there you are." We can move to a new, warmer city, fall deeply in love with that new "perfect" person, come into some fabulous financial security.... but as we all know, life continues to deal the glitches and set backs... and we'll always be left to contend with ourselves and our reactions to life's challenges. How do we contend with ourselves?.... there are a lot of options out there, but anything that takes us "inward" and allows us to acknowledge and follow our truth... so that our "inner" world is as calm and content as possible. Hugs.

Blessing,

Chatgirl

Comparing ourselves to others :(

Okay, so what is it about human nature, and society in general, that we compare ourselves to others, almost against our own will... and we're so hard on ourselves! We're not good enough for us! ... we haven't achieved all that we should, we're not where we think we should be at this point in life... etc. etc.... enter the mid-life crisis! and it hurts us deeply.... :( What the hell is it all about anyway?...

Well... we're dealt the cards we're dealt aren't we?... we're not all born with money and advantages - and some of us came in really behind the eight ball, didn't we? So! There's only so much we can do with limited resources and a tough environment when we're young, impressionable and needing the protection and love that we never got... SO! It seems that we need to give ourselves some much needed slack and kindness... and yes, we should keep finding the courage and strength to better ourselves and find a better quality of life.. but if we fall down in the meantime... it's ok. We've had some tough times.. and some of that shit really hurts! Let's allow ourselves a moment to grieve... and then take no prisoners, know our worth and our talents - and succeed anyway!!! Let's give 'em hell out there. We can do it ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Blaming...

People irritate and frustrate the hell out of us, Lol;)... we wish they would change already... but, alas, maybe that's unrealistic, ha ha.

"This is the only way to change others - change ourselves first. Change your patterns, and you will find that "they" are different too."

"Blame is useless. Blaming only gives away our power. Keep your power. Without power, we cannot make changes. The helpless victim cannot see a way out."

Quotes by Louise Hay, You Can Heal Your Life.

It's not easy to change, but we're the only thing in our power to control, so I guess if we want to feel less frustrated and irritated, we're left with trying something new? ... ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Break up your long term relationship or not?

15 vital questions you should ask and answer before ending a long-term relationship.

–––

No one says, “I’m in love with you and want to spend the rest of my life with you” and then bales out when the first storm hits. But too many people feel battered by relationships that started out good, but changed over time. Sometimes we blame ourselves. Other times we blame our partner. Some people stay in a dead-end relationship long after they should have left. Others leave too soon and give up on themselves and their partner without fully understanding what they were doing.

I’ve been working with couples for more than 40 years. They often come to me when things are going badly and need help understanding what is going on and whether they should stay or leave. Here are some questions you should ask and answer before making a decision that will likely impact your own future as well as your partner’s future, and your children’s future. 

John Gottman is one of the world’s experts on how to have a successful marriage and how to determine if one is in trouble. In his book, What Makes Love Last? How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal, he describes a way to tell when a relationship has reached the end of the line. He says it comes down to the “Story of Us Switch.” 

We all have our ups and downs, but over time we develop either a mostly positive or a mostly negative view of our relationship. Once the negative gets locked in, it’s difficult to change. As Gottman says, 

“I term this indicator a switch rather than, say, a dial because I rarely see gradations in what people recall about their romantic history. They either have joyful memories or—click—bitter ones.”

I’ve found it’s like those illusions we learned about in psychology class. What do you see here?

In one view we see an old woman with a big nose. In another we see a young woman with her head turned away from us. We don’t see gradations in good or bad. It’s one, click, or the other. Here are some of the questions to ask to see if you have clicked off to your partner or if your partner has clicked off to you:

• Looking back on our relationship, do I remember mostly bad times?
• Have our lives become chaotic and full of turmoil with very little peaceful time?
• Do I feel that my partner doesn’t empathize with my feelings, but blames or shames me?
• Does my partner focus mostly on their own needs rather than on what I may need?
• Do I often feel alone, even when we’re together?
• Does the relationship cause me so much stress it actually makes me sick?
• Do I feel like we’re pulling in opposite directions rather than operating as a team?
• Do I feel that my partner doesn’t really understand me or care about my needs?
• Do I feel we’re more like separate individuals, more focused on me than we?
• Do we argue about the same things over and over, but never really improve things?
• Do I feel deep down that my partner no longer loves, accepts, and appreciates me?
• Do I feel unsafe and insecure physically and emotionally when I’m with my partner?
• Do I feel disrespected by my partner?
• Do we have different values and a different sense of right and wrong?
• Does one or both of us often feel angry and irritated or cold and distant?

When we build up a negative story of us, we see our partner as “out to get us” rather than as a person who loves us, but may at times do things that cause us pain. We often become anxious, depressed, and irritable and this makes it more difficult to see the positive in our relationship. The negative story feeds on itself. The more we see the negative, the more we expect to see the negative, and the more we see what we don’t want. It’s as though we look at our relationship through dark lenses and can’t see any of the life-supporting light.

Compliments of Jed Diamond, thegoodmenproject.com

Awwww..... it's a tough one..... hugs. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Coping...

Compliments of Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully

The practice of being fully present, feeling our heart and greeting the next moment with an open mind is a way of claiming our courage, our kindness and our strength.

Whenever it occurs to us, we can pause briefly, touch in with how we're feeling both physically and mentally, and then connect with our heart, so that we extend warmth and acceptance to whatever is going on for us in that moment... back ache, upset stomach, rage, impatience, fear, calmness, worry - whatever it is, we can let it be there just as it is without labeling it good or bad and without telling ourselves we shouldn't be feeling that way. This should help us let go of some habitual ways of being in the world and take a promising leap forward with curiosity and courage.

This is a practice of being present, nurturing our hearts and letting go. Actually feels good ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The value of experience

Food for thought...

Why are we faced with such adversity in life? Why must we endure painful set backs and inevitable failures and disappointments?

Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God says this:

"Healing is a process of accepting all, then choosing best... for the soul to experience perfect love, it must experience every human feeling. How can I have compassion on that which I don't understand? How can I forgive in another that which I have never experienced in Myself?"

Hmmm...  :)

Blessings,

Chatigirl.

Groundhog Day in relationships...

Is it just me, or do we seem to end up with the same drama in our relationships, however we may strive for a loving and healthy dynamic. We do a proper post mortem, think carefully about making a better choice next time and make that better choice, or so we think.... until we start to see things we don't like... and before long we're in the same sort of dynamic as the last relationship and the one before that?? What the hell?

According to Jed Diamond, The Conscious Person's Guide to Love Everlasting, we are at the mercy of our subconscious mind and our family of origin... ugh :( How much does that suck... If you check out this article, you'll find out more .... but this is it in a nutshell... we work with our conscious mind - we make our lists, we read books, consult a counsellor, do yoga, meditate etc - check! All good stuff. But!!  Then there's the subconscious mind, which throws the hugest wrench into our well laid-out plans. Apparently, the subconscious mind has such sway over our conscious mind that it's the equivalent of a flea trying to move an elephant.. and our subconscious mind seeks to find what is familiar in order to correct the old "stuff"... so, if our father was critical and judgmental, leaving us feeling unloved and our mother MIA so that we felt neglected, we will end up recreating this in our love life! Seriously?!? ... I don't think anyone wants to believe this... but if we take stock, we may find some truth in the theory.... What do we do about it?? We are supposed to pursue "help" that can tap into our subconscious and heal some of the old, troublesome wounds (for example, EMDR is a treatment option that claims to achieve this)... so we can consciously choose well. Yikes... pretty scary stuff, but maybe a life saver if we're brave enough to face our old crap and get a handle on it. Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Shit happens

"Sometimes we get what we want, sometimes we get what we need and sometimes we get what we get."

-Anonymous

Indeed ;) ... and sometimes "what we get" turns out to be the best thing that's ever happened to us... even if we can't see it up front, 'cause some things feel like a body blow in the moment. Ouch... Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Self Sabotage

We try all kinds of things to "manifest" our dreams... and we are disappointed, confused and frustrated when things don't go our way.... what's the deal?... it can be so exhausting.

Spiritual or non-spiritual... there's a theme across success-inspiring books and teachings... if we don't believe our dreams can come true, they have no hope of appearing for us. Apparently the big thing is our thoughts... we are supposedly unaware of how many of our thoughts are based in fear and doubt.... we think we're inspired and we may even have our intentions written out etc. etc.. but if we aren't paying close attention to our busy brains, we won't realize that even more of our time is spent worrying that it just isn't possible ... because we can't fathom how these dreams could possibly come true - we don't have the funds, we don't have the know how, we're afraid of failing or not being enough and on and on... somehow we have to find a way to keep our thoughts on the prize! Good luck to us!! :) Hugs.

(Ref. Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Fear or intuition?

We spend a lot of time pondering decisions and thinking about the "right" thing to do. For those of us who value gut instinct, it can be confusing to discern our fears from intuitive feelings... because sometimes our gut tells us to do something that doesn't make logical sense... so how do we know which way to go??

According to Conversations With God, by Neale Donald Walsch, our intuitive thoughts will always be our "highest thought, our clearest word, our grandest feeling." To clarify, "the highest thought is always that thought which contains joy, the clearest words are those which contain truth. The grandest feeling is that feeling which you call love."

So we're looking to feel a sense of clarity, truth, joy and love in our decisions... okay! We can probably give that a try;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Living with stress...

Being stressed out sucks... is it just me, or do we seem to face stress with far more frequency than we're comfortable with. So many things in life come with a level of worry and tension, it's no wonder we're numbing ourselves by over eating, over drinking, binging on the quality TV shows of today;). According to skillsyouneed.com "negative stress, tension and anxiety are extremely common problems in modern life" and "most people will suffer from potentially dangerous or debilitating symptoms of stress and stress related issues at some point in their lives." Stress causes a tangible, physiological response in our bodies, due to our flight or flight survival instincts - and because today's stress is often persistent and longer term, this becomes extremely uncomfortable... so we are certainly justified in being upset.... nice to know we're not alone and we're not being weak, lame or sulky... our stress is real;)

Physical signs of stress are: palpitations, dizziness, indigestion or heartburn, tension headaches, aching muscles, trembling or eye twitches, diarrhoea, frequent urination, insomnia, tiredenss, impotence.

According to a large group surveyed, here are some of the stressors in our lives, in order of intensity:

Death of a spouse or partner
Divorce
Marital separation (relationship issues in general)
Death of a close family member
Injury or illness
Marriage
Job loss
Marital reconciliation
Retirement
Change in the health of a family member
Pregnancy
Sexual problems
Addition of a family member
Death of a close friend
Changes at work
Taking on a mortgage
Moving
Etc... the list is long.... and the intensity of each of these is significant!

The moral of the story seems to be that stress, however unpleasant and unfortunate, is a natural part of our lives. Boo!.... so I guess the best we can do is manage the stress when it flares up.

10 tips in dealing managing stress:

1. Avoid caffeine, alcohol, nicotine
2. Get physical activity
3. Get more sleep
4. Try relaxation techniques
5. Talk to someone (this may be #1, if you ask me;))
6. Keep a stress diary
7. Take control (write down potential solutions and work to reduce and remove)
8. Time management
9. Learn to say no (so as not to add more stress)
10. Rest....

Wishes for the stress flares to be short lived and easily solved, or at least manageable! Hugs :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Unfulfilled promises...

Everything starts out bright and shiny. There is something very compelling about the promise of a new start - politicians use this platform a lot because it's a tried and true message. Managers and companies paint a picture of the ideal job, as we envision a better life... and on a more personal note, a new date or lover has us fantasizing about the perfect romance, filled with passion, acceptance, understanding, fun, excitement, safety, whatever your desire... and then real life happens. We begin to see the cracks in the veneer and sometimes we have to endure the complete unraveling of our hopeful fantasies. This is disappointing, maybe even painful and can lead to apathy or bitterness. Therapists warn about this fantasy stage of new relationships because they're generally based on our imaginations and not proven experience. So!! Should we stop believing and hoping? Hell no!! ... but maybe we can be wary of "campaign promises" and know up front that we'll have to prepare for and accept that every car becomes a used car as soon as we drive it off the lot, Lol;) ... and allow for the imperfect and the "sales pitch." ... but hoping for better is still a worthwhile exercise and may well get us better :) ... Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Feeling...

"Feeling is the language of the soul. If you want to know what's true for you about something, look to how you're feeling about it. Feelings are sometimes difficult to discover - and even more difficult to acknowledge. Yet hidden in your deepest feelings is your highest truth. The trick is to get to those feelings.... also use the vehicle of experience as a grand communicator... words are really the least effective communicator. They are most open to misinterpretation, most often misunderstood."

(Ref. Conversations with God, Neale Donald Walsch)

Ahhhh, yes, indeed.... how are we feeling? The big question... can we admit it... can we act on it? ...  Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Silence...

"My silence could mean you are not worth the argument."

-Anonymous

I think we've all been on both sides of that one... maybe it's ok.... either we cool our jets, re-group and work it out... or decide it's healthier to walk away... oxygen mask on us first, right;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Reactivity...

"I miss being able to slam my phone down when I hang up on somebody. Violently pressing 'end call' just doesn't do it for me!"

-Anonymous

Ain't that the truth, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

I'm ok;)

How 'bout this..

"I will do the best I can. This is all I can ask of myself. If I make mistakes, that's ok. I will be kind to myself because I know that we are all a work in progress and nobody is perfect. There's no such thing."

- Anonymous

Reminiscent of that Saturday Night skit, but hell we probably don't have to say this in front of a mirror, Lol... just think it and remember it;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Love or fear revisited

It seems to be a full time job managing our expectations, desires, hopes and dreams, emotions, disappointments, the fear of things going wrong when everything's going right for a change.... what if we could let go.... just let things happen naturally... surrender to what comes... and choose to accept people and things as they are, with loving acceptance.... wow, now that could be very relaxing and freeing, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Forgiveness revisited

We find ourselves hurting in life... people disappoint us and if we're honest, it hurts the most when we disappoint ourselves. What is it about emotional pain that leaves us holding onto it, causing ourselves further torture... maybe the pain serves a purpose?... forcing us to look at what's happening within and asking ourselves what the hell we're doing? Are we being true to ourselves? And why do we work so hard at convincing ourselves of things in life?... searching for security, safety, certainty, control, I gather.. and in so doing, we take wrong turns and cause ourselves and others difficulty and confusion... ouch....

All that said, forgiveness may be the only answer... to let ourselves and others off the hook is to remove the shackles of emotional strangulation... we're not perfect, we don't have all the answers and life is messy. Maybe that's the certainty we need to embrace;) Hugs.

Ref. The Law of Forgiveness by Connie Domino

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Dealing with emotions, reactions, fears...

"Obstacles make us emotional, but the only way we'll survive or overcome them is by keeping those emotions in check - if we can keep steady no matter what happens, no matter how much external events may fluctuate. The Greek had a word for this: apatheia. It's the kind of calm equanimity that comes with the absence of irrational or extreme emotions.... this is the skill that must be cultivated - freedom from disturbance and perturbation - so you can focus your energy exclusively on solving problems, rather than reacting to them.... When you worry, ask yourself, 'What am I choosing to not see right now?' What important thing are you missing because you chose worry over introspection, alertness or wisdom?... Another way of putting it: Does getting upset provide you with more options?... If an emotion can't change the condition or the situation you're dealing with, it is likely an unhelpful emotion. Or, quite possibly, a destructive one."

From The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday

Okay, sounds good! Easier said than done for sure, but maybe worth at least trying to cultivate. Ladies, I'm sure our men would be grateful, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Out of body...

Coping....

"Take your situation and pretend it is not happening to you. Pretend it is not important, that it does not matter. How much easier would it be for you to know what do do? How much more quickly and dispassionately could you size up the scenario and its options? You could write it off, greet it calmly."

From The Obstacle is the Way by Ryan Holiday

Interesting exercise... kind of liberating actually! :)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Panic!!

"When America raced to send the first men into space, they trained the astronauts in one skill more than any other: the art of NOT panicking."

From The Obstacle is the Way, by Ryan Holiday

'Nuff said, Lol;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Ruling ourselves...

"Would you have a great empire? Rule over yourself."

- Publius Syrus

Indeed... and yet the road less traveled.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Turning injustice around...

A Tibetan inspired, courageous decision to action... outlined by Pema Chodron, Living Beautifully with Uncertainty and Change

There's an idea discussed in this book - "Breathing in Pain, Breathing Out Relief" ... which "refers to our willingness to take on the pain of others we know are hurting and extend to them whatever we feel will ease their pain, whatever will enable them to stay present with the sorrows and losses and disappointments of life."

This is said to "awaken our natural empathy, our innate ability to put ourselves in others' shoes. Caring about people when they're scared or sad or angry or arrogant can be a challenge; it confronts us with our own pain and fear, with the places where we're stuck. But if we can stay with those unwanted feelings, we can use them as steppingstones to understanding the pain and fear of others."

Sounds a lot nicer than choosing anger, resentment and bitterness.....

Blessings,

Chatgirl

"Modern Man in Search of a Soul"

"There appears to be a conscience in mankind which severely punishes the man who does not somehow and at some time, at whatever cost to his pride, cease to defend and assert himself, and instead confess himself fallible and human. Until he can do this, an impenetrable wall shut him out from the living experience of feeling himself a man among men."

- Wisdom of psychologist Carl Jung

The humility thing again;) Damn! ... and .... vulnerability and the truth shall set us free blah, blah, Lol ;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Relationship reality...

Compliments of elephantjournal.com: "Soul Essence Relationships" by Lorenzo Visser

"Most often, we enter our relationships full of fantasies and naivete, like adolescents. And often, the beginning of a relationship is a wonderful time. But it is also a dream state. Sooner or later, problems arise and when they do, we naturally think that the problem lies with ourselves, with the other person, or with the relationship. Then we may move on, or become depressed and give up on the possibility of love. Or perhaps even worse, we remain in the relationship, even for years as the love dies and the energy goes flat or turns nasty.

We may not realize that love takes deep work and awareness of ourselves. It takes awareness that relating deeply with another person will bring up deep unconscious issues. We are not born knowing how to love. We are born knowing how to have sex and how to be spontaneous and alive. But turning aliveness and attraction into love is a totally different story."

For you courageous folks out there, check out the rest of this article on line... it's quite the paradigm shift;) Hugs.

Blessings,

Chatgirl