Choice the most powerful tool we have…

Everything boils down to choice. We exist in a field of infinite possibilities. Every choice we make shuts an infinite number of doors and opens an infinite number of doors. At any point we can change the direction of our lives by a simple choice. It is all in our hands, our hearts, and our minds. 

— Unknown 

The biggest choice of my life was taking a time out from relationships to figure out where I was going wrong. I learned two things; I needed to be more discerning about the compatibility and I needed to learn new communication/relationship skills to head off issues as they come up. Mission accomplished. I found the love of my life and our mutual skills keep things on a collaborative and healthy path. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t be afraid to start over…

You may like your new story better.

— Unknown 

Boy did I learn this lesson the hard way. I hesitated ending my last relationship for far too long and it really bit me in the a- - . Deep down, I had realized the match wasn’t quite aligned. As a matter of fact, going all the way back to the beginning, he wasn’t nearly warm and affectionate enough for my temperament. My favourite therapist talks about this a lot. He says we should be very discerning right up front, to avoid the inevitable break downs and painful endings. So I let this failing relationship drag on and then suffered the most humiliating break. Behind the scenes, he had fallen in love, and had moved on really, with someone from our inner circle. I felt very foolish. The silver lining is that I decided that I would never go through another painful break up. I met the love of my life a year later, after a going back to the drawing board (therapy, relationship courses etc), life altering time out. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Stay out of arguments?…

 I’m at the stage in life where I stay out of arguments. Even if you say 1 + 1 = 5, you’re right. Have fun. 

— Keanu Reeves

I think that’s just hilarious. Well said, Lol ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t make assumptions…

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life. 

— The Four Agreements, Don Miguel Ruiz

My life changed enormously when I decided to be completely honest with myself. From there, I was able to articulate my wants, needs and requests (concerns) in my relationship(s). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family is supposed to be safe…

Family is supposed to be our safe place. 

Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.

— Iyanla Vanzant (Inspirational speaker, lawyer, New Thought spiritual teacher, author, life coach and television personality. Vanzant is primarily known for her books, her talk show and her appearances on Oprah)

My favourite therapist says that, unfortunately, most of us grow up learning what love is not, rather than what love is. Apparently, 8 % of people are fully estranged from their families, and 50 % have troubled relations. Makes me feel better about my family of origin, which felt all about discipline and not much comfort. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It takes as long as it takes…

Be gentle on yourself.

— Unknown 

On this particularly rainy day, back from vacation, it’s just kinda yuck. So I’m going to take this advice, go easy, and allow myself whatever break I need today. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Call in healthy ;) …

We should be able to call in healthy. “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work.”

— Unknown 

Lol ;) I love it. Wish I’d thought of it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatigirl 

A wise woman once said…

 “F-ck this shit”

And then she lived happily ever after. 

— Unknown

Ha ha ha. Seriously though, my favourite therapist actually advises one to challenge duty and obligation. Do we have the energy for the activity at hand? Is it best for our mental and emotional health, even if it is a family thing? It had never occurred to me that I could choose in such situations. He says something to the effect of, “If you have the emotional and mental energy, and you want to participate in said activity, great. But if your well being needs something else, honour that as well.” Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trauma is like silent screams…

Trauma is personal. It does not disappear it if is not validated. When it is ignored or invalidated the silent screams continue internally heard only by the one held captive. When someone enters the pain and hears the screams healing can begin. 

— Danielle Bernock (Author of Emerging With Wings. Bernock takes you on her journey through pain and confusion to understanding and freedom. She shares her bonds and shame as she finds her way to healing. She reveals how lies and childhood traumas strip a person of self-value and breed a dark pervasive fear. Her companion course is all about healing the childhood self).  

 My favourite therapist says that, unfortunately, resolving trauma tends to require forging through it, and processing the experience as an adult, with the capability of understanding and learning coping skills, which we did not have as children. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

We can support ourselves in making things easier…

There is nothing wrong with you. We are all working on things. That’s part of being human, and the great thing is that once we know how our brains operate, we can support ourselves in making things easier. 

— Deborah Reber

The issue I have is with people who aren’t interested in/willing to make any adjustments. There are two people in a relationship and one person can’t be expected to do all the bending. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When you are just simply yourself…

Stop worrying about other people understanding you. Get in touch with yourself instead. Focus on what makes you happy, what makes your soul feel at peace. You are your biggest commitment, so start loving your flaws, your awkwardness, your weirdness, your intensity, your vulnerability, your everything. Life becomes so much more fulfilling when you are just simply yourself.

— Unknown  

It took a particularly painful, humiliating break up for me to settle into myself. (I foolishly delayed a much needed break up, only to be cheated on with someone from our inner circle. Ugh). I vowed I would NEVER go through anything like that again. I gave myself permission to like what I like and say no to things I don’t enjoy doing. I also sharpened my “list” for the ideal partner. Compatibility is king. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your best teacher…

Your best teacher is your last mistake.

— Unknown

Yup. Well, my biggest mistakes certainly turned into TSN turning points, Lol ;) My most humiliating and painful break up led to life altering changes and then the love of my life. Just sayin’! Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

My mental health improved when I…

• Stopped lying to myself
• Created space from friendships I had outgrown
• Set fire to the labels I thought defined me
• Had really really really hard conversations
• Stopped accepting inconsistency
• Grieved the loss of the life I had envisioned
• Paid more attention to what was working

— Unknown 

I can relate to so much of this. Above all, I finally accepted the kind of life I like living. I thought, Ok, well if I’m not cultured enough, so be it (because I’m not partial to the opera or ballet or museums). And if I’m not out-doors’y enough (hate the cold, and hate hiking/camping), so be it. I live in an area defined by natural beauty and people come from far and wide to do all of these things. And many of the guys I met were the same. But I’m a city girl, Lol ;) Once I settled into myself, I met my Mr Right. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ways to show up for yourself…

• Allow yourself to feel a multitude of feelings without labelling it as wrong, bad or negative
• Practice listening to your needs and discovering different ways to meet those needs
• Practice self-forgiveness; for not being perfect, for forgetting, for your past, for what you don’t know, and for getting “off-track” sometimes
• Give yourself permission to rest, to take breaks, and to have down time
• Spend quality time with yourself: reading, writing, creating and getting to know who you are underneath who you think you should be

— Unknown

My favourite therapist taught me about having my own back. I grew up the peace keeper in our family, which led to people pleasing, and a lack of healthy discussions and boundaries in my relationships. I’ve never liked anger and negativity, but I’ve learned that conflict can be peacefully resolved with the right partner and a respectful and caring approach. I also learned that each person has to come to the table with some accountability and a willingness to make adjustments for the sake of the relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Silence is passive-aggressive…

You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people that want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.

— Shannon L. Alder (Inspirational author, therapist and life coach).  

I used to be the silent person. I didn’t want war. I just didn’t know how to broach difficult discussions in a highly charged environment. Well, I was afraid to actually. In my family of origin, there was a lot of yelling (And hitting. Sniff, sniff) and breaking of things, but not much in the way of resolution or positive outcome. Fortunately, I landed on a healing journey, which allowed me to resolve old baggage. I also learned the necessary skills to be in healthy relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How much do you like yourself?…

Remove the “I want you to like me” sticker from your forehead and place it on the mirror, where it belongs.

— Susan Jeffers, PhD (Renowned workshop leader, lecturer and Author of Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, which outlines dynamic techniques for turning fear, indecision and anger into power, action and love. In her work, Jeffers presents the four biggest barriers to love) 

A turning point for me was learning about the “internalized parent.” If our self-talk is healthy, and leads to a better version of ourselves, great. But when that inner voice is repeatedly critical and negative, we are likely dealing with internalizing parental messaging. When we’re young and impressionable, we tend to take our parents’ opinions as the ultimate truth, which can hardwire these messages about ourselves and create a sense of never being good enough, or never being enough. I feel fortunate to have identified and challenged some of this harmful messaging, which is a real self-esteem booster frankly. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl