Romance at all cost: square peg in the round hole

What is it about romance that we can become so fixated? Unless we're in a relationship, our top priority in life often seems to be a love interest, a fun flirtation or at least some form of sexy attention. Is this totally normal and healthy, or is there something compulsive and cautionary about that?

Well, certainly there can't be anything wrong with wanting fun and exciting company with someone special or sexy and fun. After all, it is, according to all sources, a basic, primitive need to have company, companionship and a sense of community. Studies have shown that animal babies can actually die of loneliness if they're left completely on their own. Babies even do better with a ticking alarm clock covered in a blanket next to them, rather than nothing at all. So, clearly, we do need one another out there in the world. But what about needing someone, anyone, at any cost. I think all of us have spent time with people who were't quite right, but that was better than nothing at all. Also, if we wait it out for Mr or Mrs Right, an almost Mr or Mrs Right can start to look pretty good after a time of zero romance or attraction. It seems to take quite a bit of discipline and commitment to self and one's truth to find the one who is truly our ideal partner. For those of us just looking for fun and friendship etc, hey, what the heck, have at 'er. To each his own, most certainly. What I'm speaking about is searching for a life partner and relationship of quality, depth, substance, real compatibility and staying power. This is when "settling" ends up costing in the end. So, how do we go about achieving a worthwhile and lasting connection? Well, it seems that we need to understand ourselves pretty darn well first and this may be easier said than done. We could probably all benefit from some form of deeper exploration into our critical wants/needs/values. Some of us may be able to determine all of this on our own, but I bet a lot of us could benefit from some form of relationship advice and/or personal growth. That way, when we find the one we want to commit to fully, we won't mess it up. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Who's making the decisions in our lives? Head, heart or past land mines?

Conflict is inevitable and in all likelihood a frequent occurrence in our lives. Whether this conflict is productive, constructive and relatively civil is up for grabs... or is it? When we "react" in any number of ways, without the benefit of counting to ten, or thinking things through, the outcome is usually less than desirable. Relationships, in particular, provide a fertile ground for shake ups and frankly this isn't so fun. When we love and value important friendships/family members/love interests and we truly want to get along, it's just so upsetting when we find ourselves in a state of disrepair, or constant upheaval. There may be a new and different way to go.

There are many, many avenues in addressing conflict/anger/friction in our lives; therapy/life coaching, books, spiritual practices. How do we know which way to go? What is truly at the core of our differences with one another? Which avenue is the best use of our time and money? These are not easy questions to answer. The good news is, any form of "inner" work may enlighten us to the veritable field of land mines that we offer those around us. Odds are, we're stuck in our heads most of the time and this doesn't feel very warm and fuzzy to our loved ones. Another name for our "head" may aptly be called our "Ego", according to therapeutic and self-help communities. If we're living from this place, it can get pretty dark and unfriendly. With the help of some deeper exploration, there's some hope of factoring in our hearts a little more often and finding our way toward people, rather than away from them. But if we're in the dark about why we say the things we say and do what we do in the heated moment, we're really at a disadvantage - and so are the people who are trying to care about us. It probably doesn't sound like much fun to focus inward in this way, but with some courage and the desire for something better, there is the possibility and great hope for improvement in our relationships and in life overall (for how to's check out Joel Brass workshops or book Healing Your Relationship with Yourself).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Inner conflict, the culprit of our issues and unhappiness

A lot of us struggle with making decision in our lives and a lot of us remain in the wrong jobs and/or relationships because we simply feel stuck. We may even sit down to write a pro's and con's list and end up no closer to a decision. Both leaving and staying in a bad job or troubled relationship are equally painful and impossible to comprehend. Most of us live in a state of fear and/or confusion. Why is that? What is this really about?

There are a lot of resources and books available; Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, Do What you Love and the Money Will Follow, The Purpose of Your Life and endless relationship books. It may be, however, that we need to go deeper... and to places we do not want to go. A great therapist will probably say that our crap job or our imperfect partner is not actually the problem. We are. What's scarier than facing that fact, is that apparently the problem(s) are unknown to us, and will remain unconscious if we maintain the status quo. So much of our critical history has been buried away for the sake of our survival and we have no idea what is going on in the background... and it gets scarier to think about because apparently, this unconscious stuff is actually running our lives and is making bad decisions for us. Accepting this kind of thinking is not for everyone. It even sounds like a dark maze, doesn't it. But for those of us who are willing to become somewhat of an emotional archaeologist, there are riches in this courageous journey... the kind of love we only see in Hollywood movies and a joy that we haven't believed possible. (For how to, check out Joel Brass workshops and/or book Healing Your Relationship With Yourself).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Stuck in our heads and devices...

Life is soooo busy! Busy, busy, busy. With work, our love lives or endlessly searching for one, family/friend obligations, kids and/or hobbies, and any number of other commitments, our schedules are chock a block full. If we do have a moment to spare, we pull out the device and creep on Facebook, Pinterest and the like, or we start texting and/or emailing. Is it just me, or is this lifestyle heading in a clinical direction? Is this non-stop activity bringing more happiness, fun, joy, abundance or anything of the sort? Personally, I'm not feeling it. Stress, exhaustion, depression and illness are at an all time high. We want to be happier and having more fun, right? So, what is this all about and what are we to do?

A great therapist or life coach might suggest that being busy is just another form of addiction. Filling every moment of every day may be another form of avoidance. If our brains are kept busy, there's no time to consider how our lives are going, how our relationship is going, how we're actually feeling. In addiction counselling, it is said that the addict is an avoidance of deep and profound pain. Feeling means admitting to some things and even scarier than having to accept certain truths, we might have to consider making big changes. Why is it that change is so frightening? But even thinking about leaving a marriage, or safe career can be a huge source of panic and trauma... and so any form of avoidance feels immediately better than that. Here's the rub though - if we don't stop for a moment and feel what we're feeling, life will just happen to us... and this is so much worse. Making a brave and courageous choice and planning a change is a lot easier than life just crashing on your head unexpectedly one day. I'm speaking from experience here.... just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Identifying, admitting to and changing troublesome habits

I think this poem says it best....

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

I walk down another street.
Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

If we are really willing to look at ourselves, we may just identify some behaviours that we can consider addressing. May be the most important step to a better quality of life. Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

What's with all the crap that we don't want in our lives? Seriously! ;)

Seriously, what's with all the stuff that comes into our lives that we don't want and absolutely do not appreciate? We sit wondering, what the heck? So much advice out there says "manifest what you want", "think positively", "you are in charge of your destiny" etc. etc.. but try as we might, crappy things keep happening. So, seriously what's the deal?

Here's a revelation... and I think this is a cool, new way of thinking about such a perplexing conundrum. So, here's the scoop... apparently there is a great reason for all of this unwanted and unappreciated s--t that happens in our world. The silver lining is that what we don't want or need supposedly guides us and directs us to what we actually do want and need. With each annoyance, we refine the story/dream/picture of the life we so deeply desire. With each wrong guy, we become more specific and certain about who Mr Right needs to be for us. With each lousy manager, we look for a new job, with a better manager in our sights. These "wrong's" help create the rights. Cool, huh:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Security and clarity in knowing what we truly want

Security and clarity in knowing what we truly want

What do we really want? ... I have a suspicion that most of us are not clear on what we want. More money, of course. Better quality relationship, for sure. More free time? Success in our careers? Recognition? To be right? Hotter, or more sex, duh;) Certainly we have overall ideas on what we desire or need... but have we given this enough thought? Have we sat down and thought out/written down everything we truly need in detail? Have we envisioned the life/love that would truly make us happy. More importantly, have we been standing by ourselves in these wishes? Or do they just hang out there in the wind, without support and resources behind them? Are we taking any steps in the direction of greater happiness and joy?

How to begin? Well, I believe we have been carrying around certain dreams for our lifetime, but we've probably been swatting them away or telling ourselves they don't make sense and that we couldn't possibly pursue them. As with AA, the most important step may just be admitting that we're unfulfilled and that there is an unmet need that requires our attention. Something's up when one third of the population is on anti-depressants and infidelity/divorce are at an all-time high, etc. There are many sources and resources for help in addressing our covert or overt unhappiness, but acknowledging how we're truly feeling/not feeling and standing by these thoughts/feelings might just put us in the starting blocks for our new and improved self/life. (The Power of Now by E.Tolle or Ask and It is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks both assist with some acknowledgement of how we're truly doing/feeling).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The Power of Our Thoughts

The Power of Our Thoughts

We are what we eat and apparently we are what we think. Thinking is as subconscious as breathing and most of us, heck probably all of us, are on auto pilot much of the time... worrying about things, going through the to do list, fixating on what's gone wrong lately or who we're mad at. A lot of wise people tell us that if we can harness all of the time and thoughts spent this way, we can manifest anything we want in life. If we can become conscious of where and how our mind wanders and insert some different ideas/dreams/statements, life can be our oyster.

So, how to proceed.... probably easier said than done, right... and like getting in shape, or staving off sugar cravings, patience, practice, creating a habit will all be necessary. We can try writing out what we want each day (which is also what a lot of wise people advise), and re-reading our list of what we want each day. Reading great books on an ongoing basis can help with this focus as well (Ask and It is Given, Esther and Jerry Hicks). I've heard a lot of people pooh-pooh books like The Secret and I get it... what we covet can seem very elusive. The explanation is supposed to be that we unknowingly focus as much, if not even more,  on what we don't want. For example we might want to make more money, but we're stressed daily about our bills and looking at a negative bank balance. Or we want to find someone great to share our life with, but all we see is gold digging women, or married men hitting on us. So! As much as we can muster, we are supposed to visualize and imagine living in the way we so desire. Fantasize about what that higher wage will pay for, or dream about all of the fun things we'll do with the lovely person of our dreams.... Sounds good to me. I think I can do that:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Surrender as a last resort... it just might be worth it

Surrender as a last resort... might just be worth it

There are times in life when the spiral has it's way. Round and round we go, battered and bruised by the inevitable fall out of life's tribulations. Even when we tell ourselves to forgive and forget the past, forgive those who have trespassed against us... deep inside, a darkness persists. There can be moments of reprieve through various types of assistance or avoidance, but still nauseous emotions persist. Try as we might, we cannot control our thoughts and feelings every moment of every day. So then what..

To think or not to think.... that is the question. Some very wise people advise that the only way out of deep pain is through it. Feel what is and there is the promise of getting to something better - more quickly and perhaps with a brighter future all around. So they say, if we can accept what is and accept what we're feeling in the moment, it may all just magically evaporate. I've tried this and it's not a quick fix. Like dieting, getting into shape, learning a new job, getting a degree, it seems to take diligence, practice and commitment. I'm sure this isn't for everyone. It's so much easier and more fun to do pretty much anything else.... but what if it was worth it? Avoidance can be absolutely pleasurable, but the darkness inevitably returns and then what... maybe we can at least think about feeling what we're feeling and chip away a bit at a time to find some acceptance...  it just might be worth it... they call this surrender... it might just be worth it, just sayin'. (If you'd like, refer to The Power of Now, by E.Tolle)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Finding worthwhile love

Finding worthwhile love

I don't think anyone wants to hear about the real road to a meaningful, long lasting love. That journey begins with each of us and involves going "inward"... and what does that really mean anyway. I started hearing about needing to go inward at a young age and had no idea how to do that and I certainly couldn't fathom why anyone should do that. I received all such talk as mumbo jumbo and thought such statements were cliche utterings from people who were already happily in a relationship and who merely looked at the single population out there with sympathy and perhaps even a hint of disdain. After years of exploration on the topic, I now believe that the majority of people elect to remain in relationships that are middling at best. The real, long lasting, love relationships that most of us probably want seem to be very rare and also seem to require a special type of commitment - two very compatible people who consciously choose well up front and who are willing to nurture their relationship in an ongoing, aware way, with some important assistance from great books, couple or single therapy, coaches and what have you.

So, what does it mean to go "inward" and how do we do it? Going inward refers to being self-aware. If we're looking to be fulfilled by another, we're in for a lot of fun and passion in the honeymoon phase, generally followed by disappointment and potentially a lot of devastation in the end. Unless we have some knowledge of ourselves and what we need for our basic happiness, we may not be able to choose a fitting partner. Put two people together who don't know what they need/want on a meaningful level and the honeymoon may be short lived. I'm sure that some very compatible couples find each other and enjoy much fulfillment, but I'm sure most people would agree that we don't see many examples of this out in the real world. So, for those of us who want what Hollywood is selling! ... there are some great books that may help us whether we're single and looking to be prepared for Mr or Mrs right or whether we're in a relationship and feel that things could be/should be better. Check out The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, The Power of Now by E.Tolle, Finding Your Extraordinary Love by C. Giuntoli and The Law of Forgiveness by C. Domino for starters. For the real keeners, therapy, spiritual healing, life coaching and any other such guidance can be a real life changer in all respects - love, career, money and all relationships.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Fulfillment: waiting on wishes and dreams

Fulfillment: waiting on wishes and dreams

Wishes, dreams, prayers, whatever your beliefs, we all sit hoping for things in life - better job, more money, better relationship, true love, more free time, and on and on. Some of us go so far as to buy books on "manifesting abundance", generating passive income and get-rich-quick type schemes. Many people these days are engaged in some form of at home or sideline business. With internet access, the pornography and dating sites are generating billions and billions of dollars ... and yet we live in a society where one third of the population is officially on  antidepressants and divorce/infidelity are at an all time high.

Why is that and is there a solution?

Church, therapy, education, money management, how to books, seminars.... there are a lot of resources out there and yet unhappiness persists. I love the saying "no matter where you go, there you are". We can change jobs, change relationships, move to a new location, attract new sex, numb out with x substance, but ultimately we're still left with our circumstances, which never change overnight.

So what is the answer? A lot of wise people speak of faith or trust. That sounds very evolved and noble, but what does that mean and how do we manage our frustrations, disappointments and going without on a day to day basis? A lot of the same wise people say we need to change from the inside out. Huh? This loses most people for good reason. What the heck does that mean? Sounds like crap, right? Well, hang on a second... maybe not. If we can pause for one moment, maybe there's a whiff of something in that advice to ease our pain and impatience. Something may free up if we can choose to think positively for a brief moment, or if we can at least be open to possibilities. This moment of pause may inspire us to talk to someone new, take a course, change our spending habits, say something nice to our spouse. Attitude may be enough.... just saying;) (If you'd like, refer to Ask and it is Given by Esther and Jerry Hicks).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The Untapped Power of Forgiveness

The Untapped Power of Forgiveness: overcoming significant emotional loss/hurt/betrayal and manifesting the life of your dreams.

What to do when life deals a shocking and emotionally painful blow... The inevitable five stages of grief come as a package deal and unfortunately all of the books and articles on grieving do not remove the waves of turmoil that become a constant companion. It would be completely natural to numb out and avoid the "ride" with drugs/alcohol, sex, food, anything new, fill in the blank. At the end of the day, however, in the dark and quiet of the home or during the few hours of sleep that one can muster, the mind has it's way. Just pure torture. So, what to do....

Many wise people advise, turn the worst thing that's ever happened to you into the best thing that's ever happened to you. There are countless resources on overcoming grief, finding the love of your life, living in the moment, finding spirituality, doing yoga and other healing physical activities, managing anger and on and on. Therapy, spiritual healing, support groups are another option and all of these avenues are of great value, when one chooses to face the pain. This is a courageous road to pursue and can truly deliver a bright and shiny new life. Most importantly, the red carpet to this new, desirable life is the simple and subtle process of forgiveness. People misunderstand the meaning and purpose of forgiveness. The process is actually a selfish one, in that we look back at our life from the ground up and uncover all of the moments and people who have hurt us along the way. (The book The Law of Forgiveness provides short statements that have proven to remove the hijacked energy around these past occurances). What is most surprising and inspiring is that the person we need to forgive the most is ourselves. We are generally unaware of the high expectations we've had of ourselves and how we continue to judge ourselves at every moment. We should be further ahead, we shouldn't have a string of failed relationships, we should make more money, we should be more successful in our careers, we should be mother Teresa and taking care of everyone. It might be hard to believe, but saying a few simple statements around each and every past issue/person releases and frees up palpable new and powerful energy. We can start to focus on today and what sort of life we actually want to create.

Try it, it really works!

Blessings,

Chatgirl