Don’t have to’s…

One Thing

I came to peace with in 2025 is that ‘I don’t have to.’

I don’t have to go out of my way.

I don’t have to be the bigger person.

I don’t have to fix anything I didn’t break.

I don’t have to support those who don’t support me.

I don’t have to try to make everyone happy.

I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. 

And I don’t have to keep people in my life who don’t bring me peace.

— Unknown 

I’ve been learning this lesson for a while now. My favourite therapist says we should really ponder duty and obligation, and only do what we have the energy and emotional capacity to do. Even when it comes to family. I had questions around healthy, self first or selfish? My therapist assured me that if I declined in order to take care of myself (i.e. I’m so sorry, but I seem to have a real lack of energy today), that people would be understanding. For the most part it’s gone well. Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Having your own back…

Who betrays you once, will betray you a thousand times. There is no need to drink the whole sea to realize that it’s salty…

— Unknown 

I learned about “having one’s own back” pretty late in life, unfortunately. And that means I made far too many compromises, out of duty and obligation, setting aside what was best for my well being and happiness. It wasn’t easy making some of these changes either. Putting yourself first can read as selfish, and maybe even rude or unkind, to others. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Suffering part of the human condition…

The foundation of all mental illness is the unwillingness to experience legitimate suffering.

— Carl Gustav Jung (One of the most influential psychologists of the early 20th century, and of all time. Interestingly, Jung is considered a “godparent” of Alcoholics Anonymous, and he held the conviction that alcoholics may recover if they have a “vital spiritual (or religious) experience.” Jung’s interest in philosophy and spirituality led many to call him a mystic, but he preferred to be seen as a man of science. Jung developed major analytical concepts, such as archetypes - the psyche, aspects of unconsciousness, extraversion-introversion, individuation, interpersonal relationships, persona, shadow, self, synchronicity). 

My favourite therapist says it’s counter-intuitive, but that going toward our suffering is the way through. We tend to avoid acknowledging and feeling certain emotions. But critical information is often uncovered, allowing for the healthy processing and resolution of troublesome issues. In my experience, facing up to the scary stuff has been life changing. My favourite therapist also believes that some sort of spiritual practice is quite critical in dealing with life’s burdens. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The real luxuries in life…

Time

Health

A quiet mind

Slow mornings

Ability to travel

Rest without guilt

A good night’s sleep

Calm and “boring” days

Meaningful conversations

Home-cooked meals 

People you love

People who love you back

— Unknown 

I feel this is a somewhat older person’s list, but I’m down for it. When I was younger, it was all about fun, excitement, romance, climbing the corporate ladder, trying to become and entrepreneur and fun new experiences. But now, after divorce, near bankruptcy (due to the financial crisis of 2008), a blended family to navigate (which we’re all managing brilliantly, but requires compromise), plodding on in a corporate job that expects more and more, with less compensation, and a health crisis to boot, there’s a sharp reality. You look at your life, and what’s going on in the world with perhaps a bit less hope than you felt at the start line. Now, I remain a glass half-full girl, so I’ll go out by saying that life is still gorgeous, when you embrace the sweetness in your world. But Lordy, one certainly needs to allow for the inevitable curve balls. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What you don’t maintain, you lose…

There is a Japanese Legend that says:

“Whether it’s a machine, a house, or a relationship. Maintenance is always cheaper than repairing.” What you don’t maintain, you eventually lose.

— Unknown

What I’ve been maintaining for a while now is my mental/emotional health. Do I always wanna spend the cash on therapy ($350 per 90 mins for my favourite therapist and $120 per hour for my Craniosacral therapist/nervous system calming)? No, I do not. But I see the slide when I skip sessions. I don’t cope as well. Even my stomach and digestion complain. So I book the appointments. I’m always relieved after a session, and the week ahead feels less daunting. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten Painful Truths…

1. The average human life is relatively short.
2. You will only ever life the life you create for yourself.
3. Being busy does NOT mean being productive.
4. Some kind of failure always occurs before success.
5. Thinking and doing are two very different things.
6. You don’t have to wait for an apology to forgive.
7. Some people are simply the wrong match for you.
8. It’s not other people’s job to love you; it’s yours.
9. What you own is not who you are.
10. Everything changes, every second.

— Unknown 

The stand out truth for me is “Some people are simply the wrong match for you.” It took a couple of failed marriages to realize what my deal breakers, must have’s and can’t live withouts are. I’m glad I finally figured it out! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your feelings are always valid…

I heard a therapist say, “Your feelings are always valid, your behaviour is not.” She explained by saying feel what you feel BUT you need to be accountable for what you do as a result of those feelings.

— Unknown 

Therapy has taught me many things. The most important lesson is learning to be a part of the solution. I used to sit silently, sulking. I learned that I was actually quite emotionally paralyzed, due to a volatile and unpredictable upbringing. I was stuck in freeze mode, of the fight/flight/freeze coping mechanisms. It is freeing and empowering to be able to collect my emotions and thoughts, and address whatever’s going on. Usually this entails explaining what hit me sideways and making a request. This is simply amazing for the health of a relationship. Respectful, productive and full of self care. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Stuck on why?…

Sometimes 

our minds get stuck asking “why”, but in life not everything has an answer. When we can accept this, we find our peace. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says some things are just our legacy. We can’t change who are parents are/were and we can’t change where we grew up, or how we grew up. I have found a reprieve in this truth. I now allow my upbringing to be a backstory and a baseline. Having said that, I’m still processing some of the old trauma, after my mother’s passing. With both parents gone, it feels easier to look back, with perspective. With professional help of course, because, honestly, I’d be lost sorting this out on my own. My therapist says we may not resolve the issues in full, but with each session, the burden eases. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Friends who feel like home…

Some friends feel like home. Not because they fix you, but because they never ask you to be anything other than yourself. You can be quiet around them. You can be tired, messy, honest. And somehow, even in your worst moments, they still choose you. 

— Unknown 

Thank goodness I have such friends. And they feel more like family than much of my actual family. They just make life better, safer and cozier. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

The physiological impact of trauma and stress…

My trauma didn’t make me strong:

It turned me into someone who’s always paranoid, anxious, and unable to relax without feeling guilty.

— Unknown

According to both my favourite therapist and my Craniosacral therapist (light touch therapy that releases tension in the central nervous system, and allows the other systems to relax and correct), trauma and stress can actually get stuck in our bodies, causing us to be in survival mode. And this can affect our energy and hormone levels, and create inflammation and physical tension, such as shoulder pain or jaw clenching. Stress and trauma can also cause emotional reactivity even in safe environments. The good news is that it is possible to rewire these biological patterns. I have found traditional therapy and Craniosacral therapy to be very complimentary in easing angst and anxiety. In my experience, it really is possible to put some of these burdens to rest. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional healing and empowerment…

Trauma

is a result of an overwhelming sense of danger, powerlessness, and fear

Healing 

is a result of feeling safe, empowered, and supported

— Unknown 

I returned to deep healing work after my mother died, and I’m quite proud of the decision really. In a nutshell, this work is about going back in time and saving your younger self. When we’re young and impressionable, we don’t have the tools and maturity to process what’s happening to us. And if we face trauma, the powerlessness and fear are exponential. I lived through a violent, sadistic, sort of work camp upbringing. Equally tormenting was the unpredictability of the situation, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I did my best to be perfect, and avoided the worst of it (vs my older brother and sister). Fast forward to adulthood and you have a perfectionist, neat-freak, anticipating kind of person. Fortunately, I got into therapy pretty early and I’ve managed to find my way. This time around, the work is more about putting a bow on the past and moving forward with greater freedom and empowerment. Just sayin’ ;) Wishing you the happiest of New Years. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Did your best with what you knew then…

Trauma says

I should have done things differently

Healing says

Hindsight offers clarity, but I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I deserve to be gentle with myself even when I make mistakes

— Unknown 

What I continue to learn from my favourite therapist is a that lot of of us grew up short on validation and support. And unfortunately, it tends to land on us as adults to solve. I looked for foundational support in my relationships, and it was an epic failure. It wasn’t until I properly addressed my childhood trauma that I became free to love side by side with someone, and not look to them for safety, love and unconditional acceptance. I needed to do that for myself, and once I did, everything in my life improved, including career and finances. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Waiting for the next thing to go wrong?…

Psychology says when we face constant stress and uncertainty, our bodies learn to live in survival mode. We stay alert, tense and exhausted. Always waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Even in moments of calm, our minds don’t relax. It’s not because we’re overreacting, it’s because our nervous system has forgotten what safety feels like. 

— Unknown  

I’m working on this with my favourite therapist as we speak. I admitted to feeling wound just a wee too tight, for as long as I can remember. I don’t know about you, but I faced some violence growing up, sniff, sniff. And my therapists says it’s tough to root out because the stress and fear pretty much stay in your cells. Anyhow, the work is working, and I’m feeling a lot less stressed after some deep healing sessions. Which involve uncovering and facing some surprising, and unsuspecting fears. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl