If today gets difficult…

If today gets difficult, remember the smell of coffee, the way sunlight bounces off a window, the sound of your favourite person’s laugh, the feeling when a song you love comes on, the color of the sky at dusk, and that we are here to take care of each other. 

— Nanea Hoffman

I remember talking to a good friend of mine during the financial crisis of 2008. We were commiserating, as his business was in serious peril, and I was freshly out of work, after landing a well paying, shiny new job just 6 months earlier. We talked about the day to day stress of it all, and how we similarly leaned on exercise (me yoga/gym/swimming and him kite boarding/cycling), coffee talk with friends, and a positive world view, for the most part. In the end, he said, you know what I realized? Whatever happens, I’ll always have the ocean. That really stayed with me, and I think about it when times are tough. I try to remember the things that bring me comfort and joy; good friends, animals, writing, swimming outside, movies/shows, warm sunshine and blue skies, beach vacations, and long weekends to cool cities. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Start healing by telling the truth…

You have to tell the truth about your wounds in order to heal. If it hurts, admit it. If it’s killing your soul, admit it. If it’s not okay, don’t say it’s okay, admit it. We start healing by telling the truth, so be honest about what you’re feeling. 

— Unknown 

I ended up in therapy to save my marriage, and I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I began with a weekend relationship workshop (led by a savvy individual/family therapist and seminar leader), and soon learned that the session would merely scratch the surface. I was quickly diagnosed with father issues, which meant relationship issues. I was further diagnosed with a love-ability issue. Ouch, and sniff sniff. In one-on-one therapy I learned about conscious and unconscious wounds, my sabotaging coping mechanisms (such as unhelpful and fearful, passive-aggressive and/or silent reactions to conflict) and most importantly, the need to feel in order to heal. I think I cried the entire 3 years of my intensive healing journey. Best thing that ever happened to me. I found a more solid footing than I could have imagined, which allowed me to thrive at work, gain financial freedom, and find the perfect love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not with the right people?

If you don’t feel safe enough to express your pain or your feelings or stick up for yourself, you’re not in a safe place and you’re not with the right people.

— Unknown 

I walked on eggshells in my family of origin. Consequently, I ended up in relationships where I did the same. I am most grateful to therapy for teaching me to draw healthy boundaries and to recognize my deal breakers. I no longer need to walk on egg shells. Fewf. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feel drained around certain people?…

How drained you feel after interactions with someone can be a helpful measure of how “yourself” you’re able to be around them.

The more effort we put into performing or shape shifting, the more drained we’re likely to feel.

— haileypaigemagee

I learned about this concept in my energy work; Body Talk, Osteopathy, Craniosacral Therapy. I’ve become more and more aware of how I feel either energized or drained around certain individuals. Apparently, we can actually be slimed by others’ anger and/or negativity. Ugh. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Be the adult…

Be the parent the child inside of you never had.

— Unknown 

This was my toughest lesson learned in intensive therapy. I learned that although I may have been a victim in childhood, it was up to me to be the adult now. I suppose I wasn’t done feeling sorry for myself. I felt that I was mistreated, and it wasn’t fair. Fortunately, therapy guided me through the feeling and healing journey, and allowed me to resolve some of these old wounds. My favourite therapist says “Some things are just your legacy, and your lot in life.” I also learned to embrace the serenity prayer, by Reinhold Niebuhr: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And of course family can be those you choose; your mate, your dearest friends, colleagues, teammates. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t want to do the work to heal?…

The more you heal, the more comfortable you are with being the villain in the story of people who don’t want to do the work to heal themselves. 

— Unknown 

I’ve certainly had relationships fall away, the more healing work I’ve done. And frankly, I’ve always found it hard to listen to people routinely complain about their lot in life and/or the issues in their relationships, while not doing anything to improve the situation. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Don’t feel safe?…

Trauma can make it feel like you’re never save, even if the world around you appears to be safe to everyone else. This can make it incredibly difficult to explain to non-traumatized people, who can’t see a clear “reason” you feel anxious, paranoid, scared, or powerless.

— @bloomingwithemmy

When I began working with my favourite therapist, he called out my “father issue” which meant I would have trust issues with men. He said, “In fact, I will likely be the first man you ever trust.” He was absolutely right. Fortunately, the work allowed me save that fearful inner child, who was stuck in a past loop of insecurity. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Truth is like surgery…

Truth is like surgery. It hurts, but it cures. 

A lie is like a pain killer. It gives instant relief. But has side effects forever.

— Unknown

The person I needed to be honest with was myself. Once I accepted myself for who I am, limitations and all, I found the love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Walking on egg shells…

Many people who grew up walking on egg shells become perfectionists or overachievers.

They’ve learned the only way they’ll be accepted is if they cause no problems and are “perfect.”

— @the.holistic.psychologist

Well, that used to be me. I grew up in a tumultuous home, with fiery parents who disagreed on much and didn’t seem to like each other a whole lot. I do feel the three of us kids paid the price, and it was pretty traumatized watching my parents lay hands on my older brother and sister, and then me. I soon became the people pleaser, trying to minimize the drama. Above all, I wanted to stay off the radar, and so I excelled at school, work and chores. The issue is, you carry these coping mechanisms into your adult life and wind up tolerating far too much in relationships. It took me a mountain of therapy and cash to establish boundaries, to figure out who the right match would be and to learn the skills necessary for a healthy and happy relationship. Needless to day, I’m a big proponent of therapy. Self help and motivation seminars are great, but in my experience, some issues are deeply rooted and require a professional. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No control over what happens next, so loosen your grip…

You’re overthinking because you really care about what happens next— you don’t want to fail, and you don’t want to let people down. But no amount of planning, worrying, or over-analyzing can give you control over what happens next. Breath. Loosen your grip. Experience life as it comes. 

— Michell C. Clark 

Great reminder. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Saddest words are “It might have been.”…

When things go wrong as they sometimes will,

When the road you’re trudging seems all up hill,

When the funds are low and debts are high

And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,

When care is pressing you down a bit,

Rest if you must, but don’t you quit. 

Life is strange with its twists and turns

As every one of us sometimes learns

And many a failure comes about

When he might have won had he stuck it out;

Don’t give up though the pace seems slow—

You may succeed with another blow. 

Success is failure turned inside out—

The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,

And you never can tell just how close you are,

It may be near when it seems so far;

So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit—

It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.

For all the sad words of tongue or pen

The saddest are these: “It might have been!”

— John Greenleaf Whittier, 1807-1892 (American poet and advocate of the abolition of slavery in the United States). 

I happen to be on such a quest, striving to graduate from employee to successful entrepreneur. I’ve celebrated modest advancements, but none were sustainable enough to leave the day job. And I almost bankrupted myself when I took a chance and dropped the safety net at one point. I’ve had to re-invent myself in the day gig, stabilize my finances and try again, while preserving the career that pays my rent. Sometimes I give myself permission to think about giving up. But then I feel a bit empty and remember why I set on this course in the first place. I have a vision of my perfect life, and I just can’t give up on that. And now, suddenly, things are looking very promising. Stay tuned. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Braver than you believe…

You are braver than you believe,

stronger than you seem

and smarter than you think.

— A.A.Milne

A little pep talk for the day, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Satisfied life vs successful life…

A satisfied life is better than a successful life. Because our success is measured by others, but our satisfaction is measured by our own soul, mind and heart. 

— Unknown

My priorities changed radically after suffering through the 2008 financial crisis. Shopping for new fashion items used to be a highlight and I was willing to invest in a fresh look every season. Then I was forced to halt all spending and focus on securing stable work. I recovered after a few years and managed to elevate my position and income level. Now that I feel quite financially free, I have minimal interest in spending on high ticket, retail items. Instead, I love seeing my bank balance and investments grow. I just don’t want and need in the same way, and this has translated into an abundance, and satisfaction I’ve never known. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Burnout due to goals you don’t believe in?…

My theory:  

Burnout has nothing to do with how many hours or how hard you work. It’s caused by working for people you don’t like, towards goals you don’t believe in, in systems that grant you no agency.

— Adam Chalmers

I read an article in the Air Canada magazine a while back that talked about employees being the new slave. I think there’s something to that. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trauma permanently changes us (and it’s not wholly negative)…

This is the big, scary truth about trauma: there is no such thing as “getting over it.” The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss, but the reality is in fact much bigger: a major life disruption leaves a new normal in its wake. There is no “back to the old me.” You are different now, full stop. 

This is not a wholly negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and joy. The goal of healing is not a papering-over of changes in an effort to preserve or present things as normal. It is to acknowledge and wear your new life — warts, wisdom, and all — with courage. 

— Catherine Woodiwiss 

I concur. I ended up in intensive therapy to save my marriage, and although the marriage ultimately failed, I got an emotional make over. I attended numerous weekend relationship workshops (conducted by my favourite therapist), which showed me where I was part of the problem, and taught me new, healthy skills. I highly recommend proactively addressing trauma. Life on the other side is divine. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Less equals more money…

Simplicity. 

Less stuff, less work.

Less expense equals more money, time and joy.

Less equals more.

— Unknown

I learned about less is more out of necessity. I was on the wrong side of the 2008 financial crisis and couldn’t find work in my field for about three years. I was in and out of positions that paid half what I typically earned. I had to halt all spending, other than essential bills. I gave myself one extra, which was my always inspirational and motivating morning coffee. My life was finally restored when a former manager brought me into a senior position with great pay and perks. Fewf. Interestingly enough, I never went back to my former spending habits. I love fashion, but continue to prefer consignment shopping. Not that I never buy a new garment, but the acquisition just doesn’t hold the same appeal. All I can think of is the cost of that investment, particularly with clothes tending to get stained or go out of style. I am willing to spend on dining out, which I consider a mini vacay at the end of a work day, and warm vacations because I need warm sunshine like I need air. But I never spend what I don’t have. I save for each trip and I prepay my credit cards for dinners out and items I want to buy. Pre-financial crisis I routinely charged up my credit cards and worried about paying later. I’ll never do that again. I spend waaaay less and I’ve never been more abundant, with a bank balance I could never have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl