Does romance lead to fulfillment?

Single, married or any and all other varieties of a love life seem to breed dissatisfaction over time. Is fulfillment even possible? Or is it just the human condition that no matter what we have, we want something else? We want new and shiny and this can be a relentless pursuit... and maybe even a source of depression in the end. What's the deal?

A great therapist may propose that we are looking to something outside of ourselves for fulfillment, when real fulfillment can only come from within. We all seek pleasure in various ways and that's part of the spice of life.... but if we're looking to be truly at peace and content on a deeper level, no amount of sex or chemistry will satisfy our deeper need for lasting joy and contentment. For those just looking for fun and frolic, party on;) .... but for those of us looking for something more meaningful to us, we may need to look beyond romance to be "complete" and truly satisfied. What could/should that look like? Maybe exploring our needs and wants is all we need to do, at least for a start. Who knows what magic may unfold:)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The relationship vacuum

Why is it that when we get into a relationship, take out and television settle in like a comfortable old pair of underwear? We've probably all been on both sides of this equation - equally guilty of wearing nothing but sweatpants at home with the honey, or we're single and annoyed that it takes more than a stick of dynamite to get our "married" friends out to anything fun. Should we be doing something about this seemingly universal phenomenon?

Well, maybe not, but I'm sure we've all been fresh out of a break up and realize, shit,  I don't have anybody to do anything with. I don't have a shoulder to mope on. Likely, what led to the break up in the first place is the old saggy underwear and night after night of Breaking Bad, House of Cards or what have you, Lol;) So, maybe we could think about committing equally to a full life of our own and continue bringing home interesting conversation and a passion for something other than our loved one. I think we actually know that it can be a tremendous amount of pressure on our partner and on the relationship if we're looking to be completely fulfilled within this union, but we get "comfortable" (which may end up being code for bored sexually and otherwise). How do we keep the excitement and freshness alive if we're not bringing new energy to the table? Do we have hobbies, are we learning any new and improved communication or relationship skills? Heck, even companies force us into development type courses, so maybe there's something there? Just sayin':)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Transforming our lives with one small change

It is well documented that change is challenging and we tend to resist it all the way, even when we know we're not happy with the status quo. Change often happens without our consent and we can end up flattened and struggling to catch up. The thing is, even when we want to make a change, it can feel overwhelming. We don't know where to start and we're afraid of the implications. What if we make the change and we're not happier, or God forbid, things are somehow worse in the end? There's a lot of fear involved. We just don't know and we can remain stuck long term, or indefinitely. What if we could transform our lives, experience minimal discomfort and take very little risk....?

Apparently, if we make one small change, we can alter our entire lives for the better,  without giving it much thought. The experts say that each day is made up of habits, rather than well-considered decisions, to the tune of 40% or more habitual activities. Each of these "auto-pilot" actions on it's own doesn't seem like a big deal, but over time, the meals we order, how we talk to our loved ones, how we organize our thoughts etc. can have an enormous impact on our lives and well being. Supposedly, if we focus on shifting just one of these "Keystone" habits, we can actually teach ourselves how to reprogram other routines in our lives as well. Neurological patterns in the brain can be overriden by new patterns. Our brain actually changes, as the old neurological patterns are crowded out by new urges. The brain can develop new areas of behavior, such as inhibition or self-discipline, so new and more beneficial behaviors can become automatic to us. This technique has been successfully applied to business as well, by such companies as Starbucks, P&G and Target. By applying this approach to employees, and the business overall, companies have successfully influenced customer purchasing habits and enjoyed higher profits. So, perhaps we can come up with just one troublesome habit (that we've probably already considered changing), do that one thing differently ... and then keep making small adjustments until we're living the life of our dreams. How great would that be:) (For more info, check out The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business, by Charles Duhigg).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Cleaning house: de-fragging our mental and emotional hard drive

What quantity of s--t are we dragging around over the years?... and I'm exhausted just thinking about it. We are told to de-frag our computers and apparently we can benefit similarly from cleaning house with our emotional life accumulations. We tend to want and/or need to put the past behind us as quickly as possible. We proceed to throw out all of the old photo's and any other reminders of the ex, who just became somebody we don't know anymore. We kinda want this person to disappear from our existence asap and we try to burry the memories along with all of the suddenly icky mementoes. Are we saying this is wrong? ... Well, what the experts say is, as crap as it sounds, we may need to (even if we don't want to) sort through some of those memories before we give them their much deserved funeral. The goal is to "process" the past, so that we are not doomed to repeat it. Sequels can be boring at the best of times and re-living the crime scene is not high on the list, but we don't really want to replicate the painful break ups do we? All the experts are saying is that if we're willing to "mine" our past, we may be surprised at the insights we uncover and this could be worth the pain of the exercise. So, what are we supposed to be doing?

In whatever form we so desire (because there are a gazillion options out there), we are supposed to review our past and "deal" with the problem occurances. To each his own in terms of the depth and breadth of scrubbing the past, but with options like EMDR (processing and removing past trauma's from our hard drive for sure) we can really clean house. The benefit of doing this sort of life review can be huge. With  EMDR in particular, it is said that we can remove the sting from a whole thread of troublesome life events, which should free us up for the present moment's romantic and other life choices. For example, if we knew as a kid that our father/mother had ongoing and secret romantic affairs, chances are we'll end up at some point with a partner who will have affairs on us.... until we go back and process the emotion around this betrayal framework. The professionals tell us sky's the limit if we're willing to bravely face some old stuff. (For more info on EMDR check out Getting Past Your Past by Francine Shapiro).

Blessings,

Chatgirl

The 'you complete me" fallacy: the plug and the socket

We are raised with stories of princes and princesses, with the happily ever as our goal. Hollywood love stories and romance novels continue to sell out at a rapid pace, as we search for some connection to this promise. Most people, however, are not and never have lived this sort of romantic tale. People disappoint us and somehow we are left feeling badly about ourselves for our failed relationships and/or marriages. We suffer the post mortem and the seemingly necessary and involuntary purgatory of the dry spell afterword and rack our brains for answers. Should we take a moment to think before plunging into the next ex-relationship or ex-marriage? There's a reason one commonly hears "hey, do you wanna be my next ex-wife" as a punchline in the single scene. So perhaps we actually have some awareness that there's trouble in paradise and that we may want to question the "you complete me" notion. Talk about a buzz kill;) We all want that hot passionate romance I'm sure and the traditional love story sounds so appealing. Why are we questioning this and it's a drag to think of denying that honeymoon feeling. Well, let's not get depressed just yet - let's just think of how we can approach things differently so that we end up with the best possible happily ever after that we can;) Some very wise people want to tell us that we just need to "complete" ourselves first - that's the "plug and the socket" theory.

So what the heck is the plug and the socket all about? ... sounds dull and boring, like a hardware store, Lol;). Even my eyes are glazing over. But hang in there for a second with me. Apparently, if we look inward at ourselves with a little more commitment, we should be able to attract someone far, far better for us. The compatibility factor will rise substantially and the potential for drama and trauma will go down considerably. Supposedly, if we're not "conscious" in choosing romantic partners, we are probably looking to "plug in" to someone else (i.e. filling some kind of void), instead of "plugging" into ourselves and what we really need and want, deep down. If we approach romance in the way we review our finances, or set up a fitness regime or learn a new skill, the due diligence process should net better results. Again, this all sounds as dull as an excel spreadsheet... but what if we really do end up happier and more fulfilled by trying this on for size? Maybe it's worth it! What have we got to lose?.... maybe we'll lose less on the other end. If our new relationship works long term, then we won't be stuck deciding who gets the Apple TV or worse, how much we'll need to pay the ex in alimony. Just sayin';)

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Community: the healing potential of group activities

Many of us live in the action of a big city with so much to do and yet manage to feel quite isolated at times, or quite often. With the age of the internet, social media, devices, dating sites, texting etc, etc, we can be in a state of constant connectedness and social activity... yet so many people talk about how alone they feel and how difficult it can be to make new friends or to find a life partner. How can this be? Life has changed so much for the better with easier access and greater convenience, but have we lost something in the process? How can we feel in a state of such connectedness and yet feel so disconnected at the same time? Is there a way to find that old fashioned sense of community, given the fast-paced, full-on lifestyle most of us are living? I mean, what are we all chasing at such a break-neck pace anyway? I think most of us have figured out that accumulating "stuff" delivers a pretty short-lived high, so consumption as a goal probably isn't the answer to long lasting happiness.

So, how do we go about finding a sense of community these days? Good old fashioned dances and such don't seem to exist in the big city anymore. Past high school, and maybe College or University, bars and restaurants seem to have taken over as the local meet-up hang outs, but there's no guarantee of making a real connection in that environment. Beyond that, internet dating and locator-type apps seem to be gaining great popularity right now - and hey, if that's your thing, go for it. Have fun! For those of us who are looking for something a little more old school, there may be something to group activities, like local drop in sport games or classes at local colleges. For the brave souls out there seeking radical change and looking to really get to know people, group work, (i.e. group therapy) can be an incredible way to understand how universal the human experience is and can deliver some potentially ground breaking, long term life changes for the better. Totally novel and unexpectedly cool, if you can get past the first day of school type/peer-pressure or internal resistance type hang-ups.

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Romance at all cost: square peg in the round hole

What is it about romance that we can become so fixated? Unless we're in a relationship, our top priority in life often seems to be a love interest, a fun flirtation or at least some form of sexy attention. Is this totally normal and healthy, or is there something compulsive and cautionary about that?

Well, certainly there can't be anything wrong with wanting fun and exciting company with someone special or sexy and fun. After all, it is, according to all sources, a basic, primitive need to have company, companionship and a sense of community. Studies have shown that animal babies can actually die of loneliness if they're left completely on their own. Babies even do better with a ticking alarm clock covered in a blanket next to them, rather than nothing at all. So, clearly, we do need one another out there in the world. But what about needing someone, anyone, at any cost. I think all of us have spent time with people who were't quite right, but that was better than nothing at all. Also, if we wait it out for Mr or Mrs Right, an almost Mr or Mrs Right can start to look pretty good after a time of zero romance or attraction. It seems to take quite a bit of discipline and commitment to self and one's truth to find the one who is truly our ideal partner. For those of us just looking for fun and friendship etc, hey, what the heck, have at 'er. To each his own, most certainly. What I'm speaking about is searching for a life partner and relationship of quality, depth, substance, real compatibility and staying power. This is when "settling" ends up costing in the end. So, how do we go about achieving a worthwhile and lasting connection? Well, it seems that we need to understand ourselves pretty darn well first and this may be easier said than done. We could probably all benefit from some form of deeper exploration into our critical wants/needs/values. Some of us may be able to determine all of this on our own, but I bet a lot of us could benefit from some form of relationship advice and/or personal growth. That way, when we find the one we want to commit to fully, we won't mess it up. Just sayin;)

Blessings,

Chatgirl