Not everyone will right their wrongs…

My therapist once told me:

“The moment you stop seeking closure, explanations, and apologies is the moment you set yourself free. Not everyone will right their wrongs. Not everyone will understand the damage they caused. And waiting for them to do so only keeps you stuck. 

Heal for yourself. Move on without the apology. Elevate without the validation. Because the best revenge isn’t proving a point, it’s living so fully and freely that nothing from the past can touch you.”

— Unknown 

I am fully embracing this advice. I had regrets after my father died, thinking with more dialogue we may have repaired our relationship. So, having learned the lesson, I spent loads of time talking to my mother and trying to achieve a level of understanding. Nothing changed, and then she died and pretty much left everything to my brother. Big ouch to me and my sister, who also tried very hard to connect with our mother. Thank God for therapy, that’s all I can say. There’s no way I could sort through this complicated grieving without my favourite therapist. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Knowing you deserve more…

Trauma Whispers:

I need them to admit what they did, to validate the pain they caused me.

Healing Replies:

Some people simply can’t see beyond their own blind spots. My peace doesn’t depend on their apology—just on knowing I deserve more.

— Unknown 

A troubled relationship with my mother has been quite the Achilles Heel. Mercifully, and finally, with the help of my favourite therapist, I look forward to processing and unloading some of this burdensome pain (now that no new damage can occur. Fewf). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Hard truth: some pain stays…

Hard truth:

Some things you will never fully heal from. And that’s not failure. Not because you’re broken. Not because you’re doing it wrong. But because some pain stays. Some stories leave marks. And expecting to erase them? That’s not healing-that’s denial. Healing isn’t about forgetting. It’s about building a life that still feels meaningful-even while carrying what hurt you.

— Unknown

I got the BEST advice from my favourite therapist, ahead of Christmas, which always brings a level of sadness and loss, due to the troubled family of origin. He said, simply, “Lean into it.” He said it’s counterintuitive, because we tend to try and talk ourselves out of feeling bad. We try the rational approach and talk about how it’s not as bad as all that, or we should focus on gratitude and enjoy what we do have that’s good. But nope, therapist says, feel all that you’re feeling and validate each and every one of those feelings, as a kindness to yourself. Then things will ebb and calm. Cool! I’m going to do exactly that. Thank you Joel Brass, therapist extraordinaire. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Trauma says one thing, healing another…

Trauma says:

Why wasn’t I enough for them to stay or treat me better?

Healing says:

Their actions reflected their choices, not my worth. I was always enough, and I will never have to beg the right people to see that.

— woctherapy

As we speak, I’m working with my therapist on my complicated mother relationship. She passed away three years ago, and left quite the legacy, by pretty much cutting my sister and me out of the estate. There’s no way I deserved that. I felt we had a pretty good relationship, for the most part. TOTAL ouch. So I’m learning how it’s possible to heal from such a torturous wound. My favourite therapist says we’re going to go back in time and focus on her biography, and what led her to make such a calculated, and negative indictment of me, her youngest, and in my opinion, most overtly warm and cuddly child ;) I actually look forward to this exercise because I do NOT want to carry the heavy weight of this troubled relationship. I’ll let you know how it goes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck to you. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Some friends feel like home…

Some friends feel like home. Not because they fix you, but because they never ask you to be anything other than yourself. You can be quiet around them. You can be tired, messy, honest. And somehow, even in your worst moments, they still choose you. 

— Unknown 

Friends are family too. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When someone takes responsibility for their own healing…

A love language we rarely mention is when someone works on themselves for the sake of the relationship. Someone who takes responsibility for their own healing, who works on their triggers… instead of making it your burden. The opposite of this would be “that’s just how I am.” You deserve more than that - you deserve someone who notices their toxic patterns and actually works to change them, instead of expecting you to tolerate them.

— Unknown 

The mistake I made along the way was not knowing my deal breakers. Fortunately, I finally understood how to choose the right match for my happiness and well being. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Cannot receive love even if it’s offered to them?…

Unhealed people cannot hear you with their heart, because they are living from their wounds. They are wired for condemnation rather than compassion. Survival rather than safety. They will always filter you through a distorted lens of suspicion and fear. You will always be perceived as a threat they need to defend and protect themselves against rather than a force of love that has the potential to heal them. Unfortunately many are so wired for war they cannot receive love even if it’s offered to them. Have compassion, but don’t take their reactions and hostility personally… sometimes patience is required and sometimes it might always be necessary to move away and love them from a distance. 

— Erika Stanton

I felt so much better reading this. I have experienced a number of unhealed people (some family among them), and it’s really quite a painful and confusing experience. Distance has been a kindness to self. Just sayin’ :/  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Fall in love with what what we didn’t even know we wanted…

It’s funny how we outgrow what we once thought we couldn’t live without, and then we fall in love with what we didn’t even know we wanted. Life keeps leading us on journeys we would never go on if it were up to us. Don’t be afraid. Have faith. Find the lessons. Trust the journey.

— marcandangel, inspiringandpositivequotes.com 

If I could go back in time I would tell my younger self “Know your value, dare to ask for more for more and hold out for what you deserve.” Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional triggers are revealing…

Major life unlock: Your triggers are your teachers.

What makes you angry shows what you value. What makes you sad shows what you’ve lost. What scares you shows you where growth lives. 

Most people avoid triggers. Winners study them.

— @scottdclary

I’ve worked with a therapist for a while now, and my triggers are inevitably rooted in early childhood/youth. My favourite therapist says that what you acknowledge, you can feel. And what you feel, you can heal. Resolving old grievances is really quite freeing. For example, I used to get my back up when someone questioned what I was doing and how I was doing it. I felt my intelligence and capability were being insulted. Now, I tend to be curious and ask for more information. I’ve ended up learning a lot, and I connect more deeply with others, including my spouse. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Struggle is inevitable…

Your entire life will change when you realize that suffering is negotiable but struggle is mandatory.

You get to pick your hard. The hard of discipline or the hard of regret. The hard of growth or the hard of staying stuck. Choose your suffering wisely.

— @scottclary

I can thank my ex-husband for the intro to my favourite therapist. Early on in our dating, I was agonizing over some family drama, and he stopped me cold. He said, “And who do you have to talk to about this stuff?” To which I said, “Well, my friends, and you.” To which he promptly said, “Yeah, that’s not happening. You need to speak to a professional about these issues, which are clearly deep rooted, and very upsetting for you.” Boom! Surprisingly, I wasn’t offended. I was curious. He recommended that I attend a couple of deep healing workshops, run by his favourite therapist. I was game, and the moment the therapist opened his mouth, I was mesmerized. I’ve been working with this therapist ever since and I owe him a lot. I simply would not be where I am in both career and my personal life without his teachings and wise counsel. I chose the hard of growth, and this is hands down the best decision I’ve made in my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

A wise monk once said:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over-planning, and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. 

Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist gave me a great exercise to help with a big heath unknown I’m dealing with. The exercise is from the 12 Step program actually, and I must say it has been profoundly helpful. So I spent considerable time writing out the statement “I admit that I am powerless against____ (fill in the blank), and my life has become unmanageable. I ended up writing out a hundred of these statements, addressing all of my fears and worries. And then my therapist had me read a bunch of them out loud. He says having a witness is key in getting the most out of the exercise, which is humbling, and effective. Honestly, I don’t think anything has EVER helped me deal with anxiety and the unknown more than this exercise. I now have a sense of calm around the waiting. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl