Drained by what they fail to do…

A person doesn’t have to drain you through chaos or conflict, they can drain you through absence - the lack of communication, lack of follow through, lack of empathy, lack of repair, lack of acknowledgment, and the lack of emotional presence.

It’s not always what they do. Often it’s what they consistently fail to do. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

When I look back on my failed relationships, including some family/friend relationships, it is the absence of healthy, open discussion that let us down. With deep healing work, I’ve realized that when the table is set properly, so to speak, we can each lay our guard down, share our experiences and make a few requests potentially. Defensiveness really gets in the way of understanding and empathy, in my opinion. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Healthy people talk things through…

When silence becomes a weapon, love becomes a guessing game. 

Healthy people talk things through. Unhealthy ones disappear and call it “space.”

No relationship should require you to decode emotional Morse code to feel secure. 

— Unknown 

I believe most of us could benefit from new and improved relationship skills. Come to think of it, when and where do we even get this sort of training to begin with? Personally, I saw a lot of scary conflict, with no resolution. So I avoided friction like the plague, and became quite fearful of anger. I’m just so glad I ended up on a healing journey, where I then learned how to address my feelings and then invite open and honest conversations. This did not come naturally, but with practice, such healing conversations have become second nature. No one has to be wrong or bad. Instead, both people feel heard and cared about, which is a game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The dreaded silent treatment…

The silent treatment isn’t passive. It’s an active choice to withhold reassurance, repair and responsibility. Their silence forces you to sit alone with the tension while they avoid discomfort. 

Their ignorance isn’t bliss it’s avoidance. 

— Anonymous 

I used to go silent when I was younger. I realize I was just ill equipped to communicate through hurt feelings. I grew up in a family that couldn’t seem to resolve or overcome conflict. People yelled and threw things, and nothing changed. I became pretty fearful of anger and conflict. Fortunately, with deep healing work, I’ve learned how to communicate through discomfort and invite conversation that allows both people to be heard and to potentially make requests that help heal the tension. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accountability an essential quality for healthy connection. Non negotiable…

You can’t build a healthy relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. 

It’s not your responsibility to teach someone how to take accountability, apologize, or treat you with respect. These qualities are the foundation of a healthy connection-they’re not extras, and they’re certainly not negotiable. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

Sadly, I’m still learning about these essential relationship deal breakers; accountability, the ability to apologize, and listen with care, rather than getting defensive and shutting productive, healing clearing down. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Some people would rather sacrifice relationships than face themselves….

You cannot teach accountability to someone who’s built their identity around avoiding it. 

Growth requires discomfort, and some people would rather sacrifice relationships than face themselves. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I’ve finally learned that a healthy relationship takes two people willing to have adult conversations. If both people are able to speak about their experience, and listen fully to the other, odds are a request or two can prevent future misunderstandings. This has worked like a charm in my safe relationships. Not so much in the relationships that don’t allow for this sort of calm, respectful and heartfelt clearing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You can’t expect empathy from someone who hides from their own pain…

People can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. 

You can’t expect integrity from someone who cannot live within integrity. 

You can’t expect empathy from someone who is disconnected from their own pain.

You can’t expect honesty from someone who hides from their own reality. 

And the longer we stay, hoping someone will become who we need, the more we lose ourselves in the process.

— Unknown 

I can think of a few people (some, family members) I’ve struggled to connect with on a deeper level. My therapist says we each have our MO, and way of coping. Some people simply avoid going “inward” or going toward their emotional world. I’ve found this info helpful in accepting the limitations of certain relationships. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Unhealed people don’t hear clearly…

Unhealed people don’t listen for understanding, they listen for danger. 

They hear rejection inside boundaries.

They hear disrespect inside honesty.

Abandonment inside silence. 

You can speak with calmness, patience, and love — and they will still respond to wounds you never created.

Because you’re trying to communicate in the present… while their nervous system is fighting ghosts from the past. 

THAT’S WHY HEALING MATTERS.

Not just for peace within yourself.  

But so you stop bleeding on people who came to love you. 

— Anonymous 

This explanation is kind and helpful, and allows me to have greater compassion for the people I’ve struggled with. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Having to break down basic awareness is draining…

I read something that stuck with me. It said, “It’s strange having to explain to someone why what they did was inconsiderate. If they didn’t feel it was wrong while doing it, what can you really say?” And that’s the truth. When empathy is naturally in you, you don’t need reminders. You move with care automatically. If it would bother you, you wouldn’t do it to someone you value. Having to break down basic awareness is draining, because genuine consideration dosen’t need to be taught; it shows up on its own. 

— Anonymous 

This makes so much sense to me. I’m finding that people who lack empathy, and an interest/ability in  accountability and the necessary clearing of conflict make relationships pretty tough. It’s a no thank you, frankly. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A relationship without emotional safety is an attachment or trauma bond…

A relationship without emotional safety is not a relationship, it’s an attachment or a trauma bond. You deserve to express yourself freely, to voice your needs, to require resolution after conflict and to feel emotionally safe in your relationship.

— Anonymous

Well said. I really wish I’d learned this earlier. It would have saved me two divorces and some very stressful friendships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t hear without getting defensive…

Some people will never grow because they can’t hear without getting defensive. They can’t see the ways they hurt others, only the threat they feel when someone points it out. They focus on their own discomfort instead of the impact of their actions. 

If someone can’t sit with the truth of their behaviour, they will keep repeating the same patterns. 

— Unknown

It’s too bad really because this one thing (getting defensive, instead of hearing how someone is feeling) tanks a lot of relationships. I’m just glad I ended up on a healing journey, which has allowed me to not take things so personally. We are going to impact one another, and life is so much better when you can sit down and chat in a safe, mutually beneficial space. I also know, however, that some pairings are just not compatible enough, which explains my two divorces! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

No reaction was safe, so you turned everything inward…

You were not allowed to be angry. If you cried, you were unstable. If you went quiet, you were cold. If you spoke up, you were abusive. 

No reaction was safe, so you started turning everything inward until the only person you were allowed to hurt was yourself.

— Anonymous 

This is exactly what happened to me! My father ran our house like a court of law, and we all found ourselves on the hot seat regularly. My father also considered pretty much any reaction, however honest, authentic and often involuntary, a rebellion. He believed in corporal punishment and had a sadistic streak. It’s no wonder I ended up with a broken compass, as my therapist diagnosed. He said “You want everything to be sunny and sunnier, but without the “negative” emotions, you are missing out on very important information.” He went on to explain that our uncomfortable emotions tell us how we’re feeling and that we should probably take action. Do we need to draw additional boundaries; learn to say no, walk away from certain people and/or situations? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not every outcome is yours to decide…

As much as you want to fix it, control it, or even fight it, sometimes the wisest and hardest thing you can do is let go… 

Because not every battle is yours to fight.  

Not every burden is yours to carry.

Not every outcome is yours to decide.

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means believing in better timing and perhaps a better outcome. 

— Anonymous 

I do NOT like change. I typically find the process stressful and painful. Even getting a new device seems to come with technical difficulties and a bunch of start up/re- sign on to-do’s. I hate it. Having said that, once past the hassle, there’s usually some sweet upside, with easier processes. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Lower capacity for other people’s chaos…

I thought healing would make me softer but it made me harder in some ways. Less tolerant of disrespect. Quicker to walk away. Lower capacity for other people’s chaos. I’m not mean. I’m just protective of the peace it took years to build. Boundaries feel cold to people who benefitted from you having none. 

— Anonymous 

I’ve had a similar experience. I needed to walk away from relationships that were causing quite a bit of stress. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

How people treat us is a reflection of their character…

I was extremely sad for how someone treated me. Then I remembered how kind I am to people, and that this is a reflection of me. 

How people treat me is a projection of their character and not a reflection of my value. 

May I always remember that. 

— Anonymous

My main take away from intensive therapy is the huge role our family of origin plays in our future relationships. How we were treated (indoctrinated, or habituated) can land like grooves on a record, as we establish, and rely on certain coping mechanisms. A sort of auto pilot can take over, leading us to accept familiar treatment (that we are used to from years and years of similar treatment at home), even when it’s unacceptable. For me, there were pretty obvious deal breakers that I continued to allow in my relationships. Fortunately, I cultivated new relationship skills (in individual therapy and weekend group therapy seminars, where you practice these new skills) and learned to say no to unhealthy behaviours that cause me additional distress. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

In the grip of unconscious coping mechanisms?…

People think healing is soft.  

But healing is violent. Because nothing is scarier than waking up one day and realizing… your whole personality was just a trauma response. That your calm was actually suppression. Your independence was built on not being able to rely on anyone. Your perfectionism was just fear in disguise. Healing means grieving the version of you who did what she had to just to feel safe.

And letting her go is the hardest part. 

—heirophantpublishing.com

Yup, I learned all about that in intensive therapy. I thought I was just a very clean and tidy, independent over achiever. Turns out, I was clinging to the few things I could control; my work ethic, the state of my home/self/car and showering others with gifts and attention. These coping mechanisms served me well, but over time I exhausted the hell out of myself. I now know how to take care of myself first, and then attend to the business at hand. I’ve maintained my work ethic, tendency to clean and organize, and generosity, but I definitely check in with myself first before committing to anything. Fewf. It’s a load off. Just saying ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Needed someone to take care of you?…

Someone once said, “You like taking care of people because it heals the part of you that needed someone to take care of you.”

I really felt that.

— @powerofpositivity

This resonates very deeply for me as well. Fortunately, I managed to land on a deep healing path and learned to take proper care of myself. My biggest Achilles heel is family and the pain I’ve felt around a tough love upbringing, with plenty of judgment, and outright rejection frankly. My mother, in particular, was hot, cold, and confusing. She would punish my sister and I if we didn’t take care of her (total roll reversal). So, you wouldn’t get a birthday gift, for example, if you didn’t spend enough time with her. My father was quite militant and harsh, with nothing ever being good enough. He seemed to relish unleashing his frustrations with frequent and scary violence. At the root of all this unsafe dysfunction was my parents’ terrible, unhappy marriage, that landed on everyone around them. My sister and I pretty much did everthing around the family home because my mother was a depressive hypochondriac. So we were the care takers, and this became a habitual pattern in all of my relationships. I finally wore myself out on all the giving and doing, and learned how to attract a mutually loving and healthy partnership. Fewf! I can’t  recommend deep healing work enough. Unloading some of this old baggage and pain is a game changer. Life can be so much more fulfilling and joyful. Promise! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but silence does damage…

People who avoid hard conversations usually leave behind the most damage. Avoidance doesn’t erase problems, it amplifies unspoken issues and creates emotional distance. Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but silent is what breaks trust. 

— Anonymous 

I’ll give myself some credit. I’ve been willing to embark on numerous relationship courses (therapist led, group therapy weekends, where you can practice in a safe environment) and I’ve learned a whole host of  new communication skills. I definitely needed the practice because finding the right words, with compassion and understanding is so key. And of course it takes a willing partner in order to achieve  this sort of healthy dialogue. And willing friends, frankly. I’ve had to move on from certain people, who were, for whatever reason, not able to allow for the kind of clear communication it takes to repair any hiccups and issues. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness…

If you want to know how emotionally mature a person is, tell them how they’ve hurt you. Their response will reveal everything about their character, empathy and self-awareness. 

An emotionally mature person will listen without defensiveness, validated your feelings, and reflect on their actions. They’ll seek to understand, not argue or dismiss. They recognize that acknowledging someone’s hurt doesn’t diminish their own worth—it strengthens the relationship. On the other hand, emotional immaturity often manifests as deflection, denial and blaming. A person unwilling to take accountability for their impact on others may dismiss your feelings as over sensitive or turn the conversation into an attack on you. Their inability to hold space for your pain is a sign that their growth is still in progress. Ultimately, how someone handles the discomfort of being confronted about their behaviour speaks volumes. A mature response builds trust and fosters healing, while an immature one exposes the gaps in their ability to connect and grow. Pay attention—it may be the clarity you need. 

— Unknown 

This has become deal breaker number one for me. I will no longer entertain a relationship with an emotionally immature person. I am very relieved to have learned this lesson and look forward to less drama, tension and stress moving forward. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace…

People who grew up in broken, dysfunctional homes don’t have big dreams. They dream of stability. Of a home that feels safe, quiet and warm. Of waking up and knowing no one is going to leave. Their biggest wish isn’t luxury, it’s peace. Consistency. A love that doesn’t punish, abandon, or destroy. 

— Anonymous 

This train of thought took me back to my parents’ tumultuous, and sometimes violent relationship. On a regular basis, my mother would call me in to pack a bag, and we’d leave my brother, sister (who was sometimes in the drive way sadly watching us leave without her. Whoa!) and father in the back doing yard work. We’d never get more than 20 minutes away, and she’d turn around and decide she wanted to work things out. But things never really got better. I believe this ongoing unrest steered me away from having a family of my own. And I’ve always wanted peace more than anything in the world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Between you and your behaviour…

I didn’t talk badly about you. I talked about what you did to me. If that makes you look bad, that’s between you and your behaviour. Because telling the truth about my experience isn’t bitterness. It’s clarity. And I’m not responsible for protecting someone’s image when they had no problem damaging my peace. Sometimes the truth only sounds harsh because someone benefitted from the silence. 

— Miley Cyrus 

The most important thing I’ve learned from intensive therapy, and group therapy workshops, is the role of  accountability in relationships. Specifically, it is going to be very difficult to have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t willing to discuss and navigate issues with an open mind and heart. When conflict arises, a team approach is winning, whereas blaming and skirting one’s end in things is pretty much a non starter. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your body can pick up on energy before your mind processes…

The deeper you heal, the more your body reacts to bad energy. Loud, chaotic environments feel unbearable, fake conversations drain you instantly, and being around negative or inauthentic people physically exhausts you. Your intuition sharpens, your body picks up on energy shifts before your mind can process them, and you instinctively distance yourself from anything that disrupts your peace.

— Unknown 

I have found this to be quite true. I have experienced profound healing, particularly after my mother’s passing, and a one year, intensive group therapy course. The emotional evolution has allowed me to be clear on my boundaries and deal breakers. Unfortunately I’ve lost some people along the way, which I find quite sad. I never wanted to throw the baby out with the bath water, but some behaviours are just too unsettling and upsetting for me to tolerate at this point in my life. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized…

People get so caught up in the shame of being called out on something, that they make the situation ten times bigger than what it had to be. Life could be so simple if accountability was normalized. 

You did a thing I didn’t like. I named it. You acknowledge/apologize. 

We move on.

— Kaszmyr / X

I learned about “clearing” in group therapy seminars, and it really does work, I must say! Go for it, if you haven’t already. Each person is able to talk about their experience, what they need, make any requests. And you work out some ground rules together. It’s genius. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accountable for what you do as a result of your feelings?…

My therapist say “ Your feelings are always valid. Your behaviour is not. “ 

She explained — feel what you feel but you need to be accountable for what you do as a result of those feelings.

— Anonymous 

My key learning from therapy is the profound benefits of cultivating new relationship/communication skills. I used to go dark and quiet when upset. I wasn’t able to adequately communicate through difficult emotions. But with new tools and practice, in a group therapy setting, I was able to understand the deeper issues at work. Early childhood/upbringing conditioning is typically to blame for at least some of our unconscious, potentially sabotaging coping strategies. I can’t recommend therapy and relationship courses enough. It’ll change your life; your primary love relationship, and probably career a finances as well, as all relationships benefit from this sort of personal work. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck.

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things I’m no longer apologizing for…

Things I’m no longer apologizing for:

• My feelings. Being emotional and crying
• Having firm boundaries
• Saying no to something I’m not interested in doing
• Not answering the phone when I can’t or don’t feel like it
• Needing to take a break
• Asking for clarity when I don’t understand
• How other people behave
• Changing and becoming better
• Not agreeing with someone
• Putting myself first. I can’t be anything to anyone if I am nothing to myself
• Settling for less than I deserve
• Letting go when I need to 
• Healing at my own pace

— Alex Elle (vybecource.com) 

I would add “tolerating behaviours that are in fact deal breakers for me” such as controlling tendencies, too frequently negative and judgemental, snarky’ness, reactionary responses (cold shoulder, punishing silent treatment etc.). I’m looking for people who are capable of adult conversations and relationship building collaboration (not sulking, blaming and a lack of accountability). It took me a really long time to establish these boundaries. Life has never been more freeing and stress reduced. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When dysfunction is the norm…

Sometimes people can’t see the damage in their own behaviour, not because they’re heartless, but because they spent so much time around others who’ve made that behaviour seem normal-even acceptable. When dysfunction is the norm, it’s hard to recognize it as wrong. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says it’s generally not until we’re in a relationship that we begin to recognize problematic behaviours, on both sides. We can continue battling it out with one other, or we can seek help, learn new skills, and improve our relationships? We take courses for all kinds of things. Why not relationship skills? Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t hear without getting offended?…

Some people will never grow because they can’t hear without getting offended. They can’t see the part they played, only the discomfort they feel when their behaviour is reflected back to them. If someone can’t sit with the truth of their actions, they won’t be able to change them.

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I finally ran out of tolerance for people who seem unable to have an adult conversation, and share responsibility for the health of a relationship. And thank goodness too because it’s exhausting being around people elect to blame others instead. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO  

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The trap of how we think things should be…

At the core of all true and real emotional and spiritual inner work is one uncompromising requirement, as challenging as it may be: to face and embrace our experience of ourselves, our feelings, and our lives exactly the way they are. People have a deep seated attachment to how we think things should be, or ought to be, or how we want things to be, which is almost always at significant and uncomfortable variance with how things actually are. When we experience this discord or incongruence between how we need things to be and how they acutally are we employ a vast array of defences and strategies to live with this distressing reality: avoid, deny, pretend, minimize, hide, distract, use food and substances and suppress being many of our most employed in a desperate and ultimately failing attempt to stay away from the truth of our actual experience. 

Though completely counterintuitive and paradoxical, from having ultimately worked with others in this domain for over four decades, one law governing the inner world of humans that has never failed to be powerful and true is this twin-sided one: “Whatever you deny or resist will persist and get bigger.” “Whatever you admit to, accept, face, and allow yourself to fully experience will lose its hold over you.” Herein is the confounding, sometimes daunting, but ultimately liberating way out of an immense amount of your suffering. Astonishingly, it is the way in. That is to say, the way out is the way in. 

— Joel Brass(Therapist, seminar leader, author)

I’ve been working with Joel on and off for many years, and my experience is, the deeper the healing, the better my life. I found the love of my life, and our relationship is very easy for us to navigate, which brings tremendous peace and fulfillment. My career continues to offer greater meaning and enjoyment, which is surprising, frankly. I have also found a financial freedom I never thought possible, and it’s effortless. Go figure. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Embracing our lives as they really are (and forgiving our limitations)…

Practice is not about overcoming human problems. It’s not about becoming serene or transcendent. It’s about embracing our lives as they really are, and understanding at every point how deep and profound and gorgeous everything is - even the suffering, even the difficulty. So we forgive ourselves for our limitations, and we forgive the world for its pain.

We don’t say, “That’s not pain.” It is pain. You don’t say “It’s not difficult.” It is difficult. But when we embrace the difficulty… we see this is exactly the difficulty we need. And this difficulty is the most beautiful and poignant thing in this world. 

— Zoketsu Norman Fischer 

This is a quote provided by my favourite therapist, and life guru (Joel Brass, based in British Columbia. He conducts brilliant in person seminars/relationship courses, and offers virtual therapy as well). I’ve learned to follow this profound advice. While counter-intuitive, I continue to see how facing the um-faceable de-mystifies and de-stigmatizes some of the most scary and tumultuous challenges. Currently, I am dealing with a scary cancer diagnosis, and “leaning into” the immense fear and unknown allowed me to cultivate a deeper strength and resolve than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One of the hardest lessons…

One of the hardest lessons is realizing that not everyone is interested in growth, being better, or changing.

Some people are fine behaving the way they do, even if it’s harmful. Accepting this will remind you that you decide who and what you pour your energy into. 

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I think this has been my toughest life lesson. I don’t like losing people, especially treasured, long standing relationships. You just don’t meet highly compatible people all that often. Unfortunately, I’ve had to come to grips with my deal breakers and say no to certain behaviours; a mean streak, judgmental tendencies,  snarky’ness, cold shoulder treatment rather than adult conversation are a few of mine. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Many people are children in adult bodies…

With someone emotionally immature, you’ll have a childlike relationship. There’s no real conflict resolution. No accountability. No growth. Many people are children in adult bodies-unwilling to do the work, but expecting you to carry the weight of the relationship.

— @yourcourageouscomeback

This explains so much about my earlier relationships… until I did my own emotional healing work and began to prioritize accountable, healthy, adult friends. Which also helped me draw good boundaries,  and be clear on my needs, wants, can’t live with’s and can’t live withouts. This growth allowed me to find (attract) my perfect life partner. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Lacking the emotional maturity to sustain a healthy relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. 

It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness.

—@yourcourageouscomeback

I definitely lacked the skills for a healthy relationship when I was younger. I had no idea how to communicate through challenges. I went sullen and silent as a rule, which is most unhelpful. I had no idea how to ask for what I wanted or needed, and I’m not sure I even knew what I needed back then. I was so used to putting myself second, after a stressful and punishing upbringing. I highly recommend acquiring new interpersonal skills. I took a number of therapist led, relationship seminars, where I learned how to “clear” (invite a very safe, two way dialogue, that tends to heal and deepen relationships), among other key, relationship building skills. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity…

You can’t love someone into emotional maturity, you can only drain yourself trying. 

Love doesn’t heal what accountability avoids, and the longer you try to fix someone who refuses to grow, the further you drift from the version of you that deserves peace. 

— Robert Wilkinson 

This describes all of my early relationships, Lol. But seriously, what I learned from much intensive therapy is that it was me that needed the healing and tender, loving care all along. I put my energy into others because I so badly wanted a safe relationship, to make up for the lack of safety I grew up with. But unhealed people don’t make for a very safe environment. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone…

I fell in love with this quote:

Accept people as they are, but place them where they belong. Always remember you are the CEO of your life. Acceptance frees you from trying to change anyone. Boundaries protect your peace. Not everyone earns the same access, the same closeness, or the same seat at your table, and that’s not cruelty, it’s self respect. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I was too tolerant in my younger days. I thought I was being unconditionally loving, and realistic in accepting that people have flaws. But after much healing work, my boundaries are firm and deal breakers non-negotiable. Life is pretty drama free, and it’s a relief, I must say. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Push through, and you’ll be most proud you did…

Nobody talks about the middle. The part where excitement fades and progress stalls. Where the work feels endless, the wins feel small and the finish line isn’t even in sight. The middle part is where most people quit—not because they couldn’t do it, but because they thought it wasn’t supposed to feel this way. But this is actually where the growth happens. 

Push through. One day, this chapter will be the part of the story you’re most proud of. 

— Unknown 

Ah, yes, the old test of endurance. I’ve been through many of these moments; job loss (and an ensuing three years finding a new one, plus five years of paying debts, before life corrected), divorce (which they say takes about half the whole amount of time you were together to get over), and currently dealing with an ongoing, scary health scenario. But what I’ve learned is, the more you endure and recover, the more strength and resilience you realize you can summon, when you really need it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Opposite of uncertainty is self trust…

My therapist taught me that…

the opposite of uncertainty isn’t certainty, it’s self trust. Trying to control the future is a battle you’ll never win, so instead of seeking certainty, seek self trust. Tell yourself: I don’t know what will happen in a year. I don’t know what the future holds. 

What I do know is I trust I’ll be able to handle whatever does happen. I trust I’ll have my best interests at heart. I trust that I’ll try my best. I trust myself, so I know I’ll be okay.

— @latenightepiphanies_

I don’t know about you, but I find this advice quite comforting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Big part of being happy is being excited…

A big part of being happy is being excited

Be excited for everything - making a cup of tea, seeing a friend, the next episode of your favourite show, buying something you’ve been saving up for, sunsets, travelling, falling in love. 

Live a life you are excited about.

— @successfulfemalemindset

I’ve never thought about the excitement aspect per se. It makes a ton of sense though, and I imagine this is a big part of goal setting. If we’re saving for that special vacation, or coveted new car or home, we’re dreaming big and feeling excited at the thought of manifesting these pleasures. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Anger is telling us something…

Anger is

• A response to disempowerment
• A sign our boundaries are being ignored or violated
• A response to invalidation or unfair treatment
• A response to disrespect 
• A part of the grieving process
• A sign of built-up resentment or unresolved emotions
• A symptom of hyper-vigilance and trauma
• A sign that you may feel attacked, threatened, or deceived
• A way of protesting that we cannot control the reality around us

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist originally diagnosed me with a broken compass. Because I grew up with a rage-aholic father (controlling, some violence and extreme discipline in general), I became afraid of anger and avoided it like the plaque. But I came to understand that anger, and our entire range of emotions provide critical information in helping us manage our world. Of course, there is a healthy way to apro ach anger, and that is with adult conversations; leading with honesty, clarity and respectful words. Personally, I needed help with “clearing” through therapy and group therapy relationship courses. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life is already hard, without difficult people…

Life is already hard

I don’t want to be around people who make it even harder. 

I need people who feel like home, who bring comfort, calm, and a sense of peace.

That’s the kind of energy I need in my life.

— Fareeha Butt

I finally arrived at the same conclusion, thankfully. I was accommodating in my younger years, allowing for people to be imperfect because we all have our limitations. But in the end, I came to realize that certain behaviours are deal breakers for me (treating others with disrespect, negativity and judgment as a rule, throwing the cold shoulder rather than having an adult conversation, rudeness and lash outs). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The most dangerous people carry zero accountability…

The most dangerous people I’ve ever met 

rewrite every story, dodge every consequence, and carry zero accountability. 

They genuinely believe they’re good. In their minds, they’ve never hurt anyone. 

Somehow everyone else is always to blame. 

That kind of delusion isn’t just toxic. It’s terrifying.

— Unknown 

It took me a while to recognize key warning signs; lack of accountability, rewriting history, and blaming others as a rule. I now have a zero tolerance policy. Because when you spend time around these people, you pay the price, with stress and unnecessary drama. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Speak life into yourself…

The power of the tongue is real

Stop saying I’m tired, I’m broke, I’m depressed etc.

Start saying I’m grateful, I’m growing, I’m thriving, I’m winning, I’m successful.

Speak LIFE into yourself.

Your words shape your reality.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I really have found this to be true. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Depression, the soul’s way of rejecting the life we’re living?…

My therapist told me that

“There’s a theory that depression is sometimes the soul’s way of rejecting the life you’re forcing yourself to live. It’s not failure.. It’s misalignment. Your spirit shuts down when you’re too far from your purpose, people, or path.” And then it all made sense. 

— @deepmindsanonymous

So what happens when you grow up in a household you find unbearable, toxic and unsafe?… That would be my scenario. And that would explain the need for therapy, group therapy, deep healing workshops, re-birthing, EMDR, Body Talk & Craniosacral Therapy etc.! In my parents’ defence, apparently 50% of us have challenging family dynamics, and 8% of us are completely estranged. Still, we’re left to pick up the  pieces, aren’t we. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Life will never be free of uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

If your peace depends on everything going right, that’s not peace - that’s control. Life will never be free of uncertainty, and trying to control it all only leaves you anxious and exhausted. 

Real growth is learning to let go of control, to stay steady even when things are unsettled. 

That’s where peace actually begins. 

— Unknown 

A lesson I continue to learn and embrace each day. I’ve been through a number of very trying, lengthy obstacles (divorce, a heart breaking betrayal, near bankruptcy, a damaging boss, death of both parents, and presently, a scary health diagnosis). Fortunately, with traditional therapy and Craniosacral Therapy (central nervous system support), I have some very helpful tools to assist with the fear and unknown. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Becoming triggered isn’t a choice…

“Why can’t I get over it or just let it go?”

Responses of the nervous system happen below the level of conscious awareness, in the survival brain. Becoming anxious, triggered or shutting down isn’t something you’re choosing — it happens automatically and instantly. If something feels familiar to a previous trauma, your physiology will move you into a state of fight, flight or freeze. You can’t talk yourself out of it or be more positive, capable, or strong to change it. It’s not your fault.

— Unknown 

With therapy and relationship skills/deep healing workshops , I’ve been able to significantly smooth over some of my triggers. Life is simply better without these unconscious pain points silently running the show. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Hearing doesn’t necessarily mean understanding…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is.

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise.

— Unknown 

This sums up my marriage breakdown. Despite significant profession help (two different therapists!), we were unable to understand each other well enough to resolve our issues. When we would recount a story/recent breakdown, the therapists would tell us that one version was white and the other black. Zero ability to reconcile. We parted on very good terms actually, realizing that we just didn’t have a solid foundation to work with. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Big reactions an echo of the times you had to stay small…

My therapist says

A lot of explosive emotional reactions aren’t actually about the present moment. They’re the echo of all the times your body had to stay quiet, stay small, or stay safe instead of expressing yourself.

— Anonymous

This really resonates for me. My father was strict and dictatorial, offering us kids little to no space for self expression. For me, this led to a lack of healthy communication in relationships. I would go quiet as a rule, which is most unhelpful. Fortunately, I’ve always been a curious person and I believe in ongoing learning. Therapy and therapist led relationship seminars have been a live saver. This kind of “work” offered such a safe space to learn healthy relationship skills and led to the perfect love of my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What you don’t maintain, you lose…

There is a Japanese Legend that says:

“Whether it’s a machine, a house, or a relationship, maintenance is always cheaper than repairing.”

What you don’t maintain, you eventually lose. 

— Unknown 

Mental health has been the most critical maintenance in my life. And thank goodness because when the tough times come, you just hope you’ve cultivated the strength, courage and support system to deal. (I say this as I navigate the scary world of cancer. My prognosis just took a hit, and the tools and support I’ve acquired along the way are holding me together. Wish me luck!). Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Winning tips from Neuroscience…

According to Neuroscience, if you repeat these 3 phrases each morning, you will start to rewire your brain to become more positive, confident and grateful. 

1)” Show me how good today gets” - This activates your brain’s R.A.S to notice more opportunities.

2) “I’m grateful for…” - Gratitude increases dopamine, shifting your nervous system into a more regulated, positive state. 

3) “I can handle anything that comes my way today.” - This builds self efficacy and reduces the threat response to your brain.

— @edgaralandough/X - Raising Your Frequency

I’ve been working with gratitude for a while, and I do find it lifts my mood. I tell myself I can handle what comes my way sometimes, but I’d like to lean into this because I know it makes me feel comforted, and more capable and strong. I haven’t focused on thinking about how good life can get each day, but it’s clearly better than worrying. Great tips! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You are what you cultivate…

What you do in private always shows in public. Reading shows in conversations. Your workouts show in your physique. Your diet shows in your energy. Your discipline shows in your confidence. Your focus shows in your results.

You are what you cultivate when no one is watching.

— Unknown 

My morning routine saw me through one of the scariest times of my life. I lost my new swanky job during the 2008 financial crisis, right before Christmas, and I ended up in and out of crappy jobs that paid half what I was used to, because that’s all there was. Meanwhile, I continued to get up early every day and go to the coffee shop to read the paper and do my usual writing (including this blog, and a spiritual practice I’ve maintained for thirty years). Then I would treat the job search as my daily employment, which gave me hope and a sense of purpose. This focus reduced my fear and anxiety, which was crucial when my bank account continued to drop. Yikes! As I go to the same coffee shop every day, I was also able to connect with friends and acquaintances, which offered a sense of normalcy, kinship and calm. Thank God for my morning routine. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Make tiny progress, however small?…

The 1% rule:

The Japanese believe laziness isn’t about character, it’s about exhaustion and overreaction. 

So they force themselves to make tiny progress daily, no matter how small.

One Athlete shared:

“I did just one push-up daily. Never skipped. After months, my body craved more.”

Progress isn’t about giant leaps. It’s about showing up. 

— Unknown 

Some days, washing and drying my hair is a victory. If something weighs heavily enough, a sort of paralysis can set in. I’ve found that if I convince myself to do just one thing (take out the garbage, trim my nails, organize a drawer?), an energy reserve appears, and the burden lightens. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Your tolerance is your future…

Something I wish I knew at 25… 

Your tolerance is your future. Tolerate disrespect, live disrespected. Tolerate mediocrity, live mediocre. Tolerate chaos, live chaotic. You’re not being patient. You’re programming your life. Every standard you don’t enforce becomes your new normal.

— @scottdclary

Boy, I wish I knew this at 25 as well! Having said that, it’s still taken many years of therapy and coaching to get my boundaries sorted. And additional time to maintain those boundaries. I believe my favourite therapist would sum it up as “having one’s own back.” Which I have found to be more difficult than imagined. But as I’ve evolved (with practice and commitment), life has become exponentially better in all respects, including financially, which has been a welcome, and empowering, surprise. Just sayin’ : / Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Unhealed people are fighting battles from another time…

Unhealed people don’t listen with their ears. 

They listen with their triggers. They don’t hear your words, they hear their wounds. They turn calm into criticism, honesty into an attack, and silence into abandonment. Every response is shaped by fear, not understanding. You’re having a conversation, but they’re fighting battles from another time. No matter how gently you speak, pain speaks louder. That’s why healing isn’t a luxury. It’s necessary for connection, for clarity and for peace. 

— Unknown 

I think a lot of us become adults and just get on with our responsibilities and obligations. We probably don’t think to improve the softer skills that matter so much in relationships, and even at work. We probably don’t think about (and may not even be aware of) limitations that hold us back. I also think most people are wary of healing work/therapy etc., or just don’t see the need. Until there’s a rock bottom of some sort; addiction fall out, relationship break down, death in the family/inner circle, job loss. For me, it was a tumultuous relationship that I wanted to hold onto. And I’m so glad my path led to therapy. Single best decision of my life. In a nutshell, I would say that therapy took me back to a shaky foundation and put me on solid footing. From there, I’ve been able to excel in career with more joy, I have newfound financial security without much effort or sacrifice and I found the love of my life and perfect partner of eleven collaborative, fun and fulfilling years. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The biggest skill you can develop…

The biggest skill you can develop is the ability to reset fast. Bad conversation? Move on. Bad day? Start fresh tomorrow. Missed workout? Hit it the next day. Poor decision? Learn and adjust. You can’t control what happens to you, but you control how long you let it affect you. 

— Unknown 

In my experience, some reactions (triggers?) are deeply rooted, and possibly unconscious. I’ve needed therapy to manage my more problematic responses and emotions. For example, when I was younger, I used to react badly to being questioned. I would feel my intelligence and capability were insulted. This sensitivity stemmed from my father routinely sayin “you’re completely missing the point,” which negated my thoughts and opinions. Once this old wound was resolved, I became quite open to other perspectives and information. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

At a certain age, it’s our responsibility to grow and heal…

After a certain age, it is literally your responsibility, no one else’s, to teach yourself the things you were deprived of, to unlearn and let go of all the toxic habits, because flaunting anger issues, being emotionally unavailable, and not being able to communicate your feelings seems like nothing more than an excuse. Life is unfair to everyone in various ways, a little to some, a lot to others. You cannot spend your whole life whining and complaining about how cruel it was to you; the trauma inflicted upon you cannot be justified, but it is your duty to heal, grow, and feel safe in your mind.

— Unknown 

I learned this lesson from a coach of A Course in Miracles. “Victim mentality” was a new concept for me and a paradigm shift to be sure. In truth, healing is pain staking work. You typically need to revisit all the shit, in order to sort it out and find peace. But, for me, the rewards have been quite extraordinary. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The healthiest people own their moods…

The healthiest people regulate their own nervous system instead of making you responsible for their mood. They can sit with discomfort without lashing out, talk about what’s wrong without turning it into a war, and hold their healing without weaponizing their wounds. They take responsibility for how they show up, even on bad days. They know the difference between sharing a burden and dumping it. They don’t make love conditional on you managing their triggers. They create safety without demanding control. Because love isn’t about finding someone to carry our chaos, it’s about finding someone who carries their own.

— Anonymous

I’m starting to comprehend the difference between knowing something intellectually, and embodying it. It’s fascinating to me that we can hear something, think we understand the concept, and yet not evolve. For example, I’ve had a tendency to over-give. In fact, I’ve taken great pride in my kindness and generosity, knowing that this is the kind of person I choose to be, and want to be. But inevitably, the bill comes due in my close relationships. I find myself depleted and frustrated with others’ lack of reciprocity. I’ve begun to pull back, in a sound way (with the nudge of a health crisis and my therapist’s guidance), and I’ve taken responsibility for my end in things. And go figure, others have come forward in a beautiful way. I’ve learned that some of these habitual behaviours are actually long standing, childhood coping mechanisms. Most likely, we are unaware of these operating systems, and don’t realize that we have the power to choose differently. I find the whole discussion intriguing. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Nice is just gift wrap…

Nice is not the same as kind. Nice is not the same as ethical. Nice is not the same as moral. The older I get, the less interested I am in “nice.” Nice is the gift wrap; it says nothing about what’s inside. 

— Anonymous 

I don’t know about it you, but I’ve had to learn to be more discerning with “friends”, and more cautious up front, especially with “nice” people. I learned the hard way, unfortunately, and found myself burned by people I thought I could trust. Just sayin ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Gut feelings you shouldn’t ignore…

5 gut feelings you should never ignore

1. A sudden heaviness in your chest — it’s your body’s quiet way of warning you.

2. Disliking someone without knowing why — your instincts notice what your eyes miss.

3. Feeling like you need to leave a place — your energy often senses what’s unseen.

4. Struggling to decide — when it’s right, it feels peaceful, not confusing.

5. Wanting to change your route — sometimes your inner voice already knows why

— Unknown

I’ve been trusting my gut more and more. I started noticing that when I allowed logic and common sense to overrule my gut, I’d end up kicking myself. Something unforeseen would happen, and if I’d listened to my gut, I would have fared better. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Every time you swallow a boundary…

Tolerating always turns into resentment. 

At first, you call it patience, then love. But what it really is, is self-abandonment. Every time you swallow a boundary, excuse a pattern, or silence your discomfort, something inside you keeps score. And eventually the bill comes due.

— Anonymous

My biggest lesson in life was determining, and standing by, my deal breakers. I applied this to my love life, and met my perfect life partner. We have a very easy relationship because we are aligned as a match, and we have enormous respect, passion and compassion for one another. I finally realized I need the same level of compatibility and empathy in my friendships as well. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some of us weren’t raised. We were just managed…

Some of us weren’t raised.  

We were just managed. We weren’t nurtured. We were just told to behave. Be quiet. Be good. Don’t upset. Don’t feel. Don’t need too much. We didn’t get emotional education. We got emotional neglect disguised as discipline. And now we’re adults trying to build lives, hold relationships, raise children, with no blueprint for how to meet our own needs, let alone anyone else’s. That’s not our fault. But it is our responsibility to break that cycle. To re-parent ourselves. To learn how to comfort, not just control. Because the world doesn’t need more “well-behaved” adults. It needs emotionally safe ones. 

— Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I find this kind of information quite helpful. My favourite therapist says, in his 40 years of private practice, that a good percentage of us have experienced “not love” rather than “love” in our upbringing. And so when it comes to a committed, long term relationship, we’ll be challenged to create the kind of love we may envision. Fortunately, as I’ve learned, it’s never too late to break and cycle and cultivate the skills necessary to create a wonderful relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Never taught the basics of being whole…

The real problem is,  most of us were raised by parents who were just surviving — so they taught us survival, not life. No one sat us down to explain how debt works, how to self-soothe, how to say ‘no’ without guilt, or how to walk away from love that hurts. We weren’t shown what emotional safety looks like-just told to keep the peace, suppress the feelings, and hustle harder. Now we’re adults paying bills on autopilot, spiralling in relationships, mistaking burnout for success, and calling anxiety our personality. Lost, overwhelmed, and wondering why we feel broken-when in reality, we were just never taught the basics of being whole.

— Unknown 

This is a great summary of what I learned in therapy. My parents got married at 18 and 21, and they were truly just surviving, financially and emotionally. They passed down what they learned from their parents, and the parents before them. And unfortunately, healthy relationships skills were not present. I’m just glad I had the curiosity to pursue new, helpful skills for the sake of myself and my relationships. Game changer. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Honesty delivered without carelessness and cruelty…

Unpopular opinion: being brutally honest is not a strength

It is often a sign of low emotional intelligence and a lack of social awareness. Honesty does not have to come at the cost of kindness or tact. It takes far more maturity to express truth with clarity and care than it does to be blunt and thoughtless. If you are truly emotionally intelligent you know how to say what needs to be said without being careless or cruel. Most people are not broken by the truth. They are broken by how it is delivered. You are not more real for hurting someone just because you said it like it is. 

— Unknown 

Well said. I would also add that some points are delivered as “fact”, when in reality they may just be one person’s opinion. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Lacking self-awareness and empathy?…

Emotional maturity is accepting that no amount of explaining will make someone self-aware. If a person hasn’t done the work to sit with their own pain, they’ll deflect yours. You stop trying to earn empathy from people who don’t have the capacity to offer it.

— Unknown 

I really wish I’d learned some of this stuff earlier. I found an amazing therapist in my early thirties, and began taking relationship skills seminars, and my life improved dramatically. In a nutshell, I’d say that we can have more of an impact on our lives than we might realize. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When home was a battlefield…

Nobody talks about how growing up in a dysfunctional family makes it hard to dream big. Your dreams don’t look like everyone else’s. You don’t fantasize about fame or fortune. You dream of peace. Of quiet mornings without tension. Of a dinner table where no one walks on eggshells. Of a love that stays - even when it’s hard. You dream of safety not success. Because when home was a battlefield, your biggest wish wasn’t to escape the world… It was to build one where you finally felt safe. 

— Unknown 

This quote perfectly summarizes how I felt growing up. And it wasn’t until I found a genius therapist, and learned helpful tools that I was able to create a healthy relationship and safe family of my own. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Set boundaries with those who drain you…

The shift happens when… 

You say no to what doesn’t serve you.

You forgive those who have hurt you.

You set boundaries with people who drain your energy.

You trust that The Universe is working in your favour.

You stop forcing things to work.

You stop seeking external validation.

You operate from your heart instead of fear.

You realize that you are infinite love and light and totally abundant.

— @_jakewoodard

Setting boundaries with people who drain me has been a work in progress. My tolerance was extremely high, to my detriment. I didn’t realize I was enabling behaviours that were in fact a deal breaker for me; extreme judgment, making others uncomfortable, and actually mistreating others, making me uncomfortable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Someone’s emotional capacity a major factor…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves-their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state.

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own. 

— Unknown

My favourite therapist says when we do our own emotional work, we tend to have a positive impact on those around us, which can relieve pressure on our relationships. I have found deep healing work to be quite freeing actually. I’ve also realized that my biggest heart ache stems from family issues and betrayals. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Living in survival mode?…

Psychology says when people face constant stress and uncertainty, their bodies learn to live in survival mode. They stay alert, tense and exhausted. Always waiting for the next thing to go wrong. Even in moments of calm, their minds don’t relax. It’s not because they’re overreacting, it’s because their nervous system has forgotten what safety feels like. 

— Unknown 

I grew up in a very tumultuous household, with some violence and a lot of yelling, and it sure landed on my siblings and me. It’s taken years to reverse some of my perfectionist/neat freak/Type A tendencies… once I realized they were coping mechanisms and not just productive habits. My favourite therapist helped me understand that I was trying to control my environment because I pretty much had no control growing up. Like grooves on a record, these tendencies can be challenging to alter. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What is draining you?…

A person doesn’t have to drain you through chaos or conflict. They can drain you through absence - the lack of communication, the lack of follow through, lack of empathy, lack of repair, lack of acknowledgment, and the lack of emotional presence. 

It’s not always what they do. Often it’s what they consistently fail to do.

— Unknown 

I’ve been thinking a lot about what drains me; my energy, my spirit, my motivation. What I’ve realized, with the help of my favourite therapist, is that I’ve needed to have my own back a bit better. It’s kind and generous to make allowances for others, but not when the cost is high to oneself. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Feel good people…

Some people are literally human medicine.

You spend some time with them and everything feels better.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve made a decision to spend more time around feel good people… and less time around difficult individuals. Frankly, I’d rather be by myself, than navigate dramatic people. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Don’t have to put up with it…

Just because you understand someone’s behaviour or why they are the way they are does not mean you have to put up with it. No amount of empathy or understanding should ever come before your wellness, especially if their behaviour hurts you or makes you uncomfortable.

— Unknown 

Gosh, I wish I’d learned this lesson earlier. I’ve been allowing (or enabling?) questionable behaviour for too long. In truth, I have always been weary of run away anger, snarky’ness and unkind and prejudicial tendencies. So, I am finally prioritizing people who bring light and love. Plain and simple :) Just sayin’ ;) 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade…

You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people that want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.

— Unknown 

I’ll speak for myself and say that my silence was not intentionally passive-aggressive. I grew up in world war three, with parents who fought endlessly (yelled, threw things, sometimes violently responded) without resolution. I saw no productive discussion and I saw no mutually beneficial outcomes. Needless to say, I was very weary of anger and I was hesitant to address scary issues. This of course led to the death of my earlier, serious relationships. Thanks to my favourite therapist, I embarked on relationship courses that taught me how to communicate in a healthy and helpful manner and I learned how to “clear” issues in a relationship building manner. Game changer! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Avoidance (and lack of accountability) part two…

Emotionally immature people struggle with accountability. During conflict, they deflect blame, minimize the issue, or turn the attention back on you. Their first instinct is to protect their ego, not the relationship. Every disagreement becomes about defending themselves rather than repair. 

— Unknown 

What stands out for me is “protecting the relationship.” Perhaps if both people can think of the relationship first, when discussing challenging issues, maybe it takes the sting out of being “wrong”, or making a “mistake” at times. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Avoidance amplifies issues…

People who avoid hard conversations usually leave behind the most damage. 

Avoidance doesn’t erase problems, it amplifies unspoken issues and creates emotional distance. Difficult conversations may be uncomfortable, but silence is what breaks trust.

— Robert Wilkinson 

I keep coming back to education. Unless our parents modelled good communication/relationship skills, we don’t tend to learn about respectfully drawing boundaries and addressing conflict. But it really is never too late to cultivate emotional intelligence. I have a feeling at least some relationships could be saved. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional immaturity blames or attacks…

My therapist told me:

If you want to understand someone’s emotional maturity, observe how they respond when you express how they’ve hurt you. A mature individual listens without deflecting, validates your feelings and reflects on their actions. They recognize that accountability doesn’t diminish their worth - it deepens trust and connection.

On the other hand, emotional immaturity dismisses, blames, or attacks, revealing unresolved growth. Pay attention to those responses - they show you who they are and guide you toward clarity.

— Unknown 

I grew up witnessing a whole lot of blaming and attacking. I feel so fortunate to have had an early curiosity, and passion, for psychology and emotional intelligence. I’ve continued to invest in therapy and relationship courses, which have been a game changer both personally and professionally. It’s never too late to learn new skills. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Tolerating turns into resentment…

Tolerating always turns to resentment

At first, you call it patience, then love. But what it really is, is self-abandonment. Every time you swallow a boundary, excuse a pattern, or silence your discomfort, something inside you keeps score. And eventually, the bill comes due.

— Unknown

I learned about “tolerance” the hard way. I miscalculated in my earlier relationships, thinking certain differences could be overcome. But I learned that there are certain non-negotiables. I finally (it’s never too late!) identified my deal breakers, and found my perfect life partner fairly soon after, actually. I extended this thinking to friends as well, and landed on a smaller, safe and trusted inner circle. Now, drama is just how I like it, at a minimum, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It’s not about you…

People’s actions are a reflection of themselves—not of you. When someone disrespects you, ignores you, or disappoints you, it doesn’t define your worth. It speaks more about where they are in life, what they’re struggling with, or what they’ve been through. Most of the time, people react from their own pain, fears or confusion. You just happen to be standing in the path of whatever they’re carrying. Sure, some words or actions can feel deeply personal. But the truth is, you’re just a side character in a story that was never really about you in the first place. 

Taking things personally? That only gives away your peace. It makes you believe the voice that whispers, “Maybe they’re right. Maybe it is me.” But when you step back and remind yourself, “This isn’t mine to carry”—that’s when the healing starts. That’s when you stop internalizing the noise that was never meant to define you. You’re responsible for your own world. They’re responsible for theirs. Let them walk their journey with their own shadows, and you—walk in your light.

— Unknown 

I’ve drawn a line in the sand of late. It’s taken me a long time to understand that some people are damaged, and that’s okay. I have baggage of my own, that I continue to work on. But when people are not willing to be accountable, and are damaging to others, that’s not ok. I finally realize that I had actually been enabling a fair bit of drama, and that’s on me. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

If you say this, they’ll actually listen..

 If you say this during a fight, they’ll actually listen:

• I’m not saying you did this on purpose, I just want to talk about the impact it had on me. 
• I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but this is how it felt on my end.
• Can we pause for a second? I want to talk with you, not against you.
• I get that this is hard to talk about, but I don’t want to brush it under the rug.
• I don’t want us to be on opposite sides. I want us to figure this out together.
• I get that this is hard to hear, and I appreciate you listening.
• I’m bringing this up because I care, not because I want to blame you.

— Unknown 

A most unexpected outcome from therapy was the acquisition of new, transformational skills; the importance of addressing disagreements, how to gently, respectfully frame a difficult conversation, how to invite the other person to open up and be part of the solution. Fortunately, my favourite therapist teaches weekend seminars, and even a year long course, on communication/emotion and relationships skills (JoelBrass.com, and he coaches virtually, if you’re interested). Every aspect of my life improved because of these learnings. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

One’s routine tells the real story…

Your routine is your real personality. 

If that stings, good. Because nothing exposes you faster than your habits. People brag about goals, discipline, dreams, but their routine tells the real story. If your mornings are a mess, if your nights are wasted scrolling bullshit, if you keep “starting tomorrow,” then your life will reflect that chaos. Harsh? Yes. But it’s the truth everyone avoids. A solid routine doesn’t just build results; it builds identity. It shapes how you think, how you move, how you treat yourself. And the scary part? You become whatever you repeat; good or bad. So if you want a stronger personality, a sharper mind, a better life, fix the damn routine first. Everything else follows. 

— Unknown 

There’s no question, my morning routine saved me during the tough times. I happen to love starting my day at a coffee shop, keeping up on my favourite topics, writing (this blog since 2014), which I find motivating and inspiring… and this process soft launches me into the task at hand. So, when I was out of work during the 2008 financial crisis, I still felt busy, with a sense of meaning each day. And it was easy to drop the job search into that routine. I continued to live with the financial stress and worry, but I feel like I had somewhere productive to put it. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Silence a passive aggressive grenade?

You cannot become a peacemaker without communication. Silence is a passive-aggressive grenade thrown by insecure people what want war, but they don’t want the accountability of starting it.

— Unknown 

Interesting. Well, I used to be a pretty quiet person around conflict. I came to know that there were three reasons; 1) I didn’t have the communication skills to broach difficult conversations, 2) I was afraid of angry, scary reactions and 3) I wasn’t even remotely confident about a resolution. This all stemmed from an angry (and frequently violent), traumatizing upbringing. Fortunately I found a transformative therapist (Joel Brass, who works via Zoom, if you’re looking for a life saver of your own). I also invested in therapist-led group therapy/relationship skills courses, and learned how to “clear”/resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner. I also realized that not all relationships have the necessary compatibility to survive. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

Silence a coping mechanism?…

People who go silent when something upsets or hurts them, are often experiencing a coping mechanism called emotional withdrawal. It’s not that they have nothing to say, it’s that their system learned that silence is safer than being misunderstood. Instead of expressing anger or frustration, they hold it in.

— Unknown 

That used to be me. I grew up in a world war three environment, with endless eruptions and zero resolution. So, to me, anger was dangerous and counter productive. Fortunately, with professional help, I’ve learned that anger is actually an important emotion, that can help us identify our needs and create safe boundaries. I’ve also learned that not all relationships allow for the “clearing” that’s necessary for a healthy relationship. Both individuals need to be willing to listen, and be accountable for their own end in issues as they come up. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not every outcome is ours to decide…

As much as you want to fix it, control it, or even fight for it, sometimes the wisest and hardest thing you can do is let go.

Because not every battle is yours to fight.

Not every burden is yours to carry.

Not every outcome is yours to decide. 

Surrender doesn’t mean giving up. It means believing that there is a timing to things. It means believing that something even better lies ahead. 

— Anonymous

I don’t know about you, but I seem to need reminders on the notion of surrender… remembering that we can only control what we can control. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The emotional maturity to sustain a relationship?…

There are many people out there who claim they want a relationship but don’t have the self-awareness, emotional maturity, and accountability to sustain one. It’s not your responsibility to guide someone into emotional readiness. 

— @yourcourageouscomeback

I was one of those people. I had no idea how to address issues or conflict in my relationships, and I was afraid of anger and backlash (having survived an abusive, sometimes violent upbringing). Fortunately, I learned new relationship (communication) skills through therapy and therapist led workshops. My take away is that it’s never too late to be a part of the solution and to have your own back. For me, this means speaking up and advocating for my needs and wants, while respecting the same for my partner. Life is so much easier in this sort of collaborative union. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Can’t teach someone to take accountability…

You can’t build a healthy relationship with someone who lacks emotional intelligence. It’s not your responsibility to teach someone how to take accountability, apologize, or treat you with respect. These qualities are the foundation of a healthy connection-they’re not extra’s, and they’re certainly not negotiable. 

— Unknown 

Wow. In all my years of therapy, I’ve not heard a summary quite this succinct, understandable and comforting, frankly. I realize my most challenging, painful relationships were doomed from the start. No doubt because of my troubled upbringing, I lacked healthy boundaries and allowed theses non-negotiables; lack of emotional intelligence, lack of accountability and a lack of respect. I’m happy knowing this now because my relationships are very supportive and mutually beneficial and I know how to take proper care of myself. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

People who run from their feelings…

People who run from their own feelings will eventually run from yours too. 

When someone avoids accountability, their frustration, blame, and unresolved pain will eventually get projected onto you.

— @yourcorageouscomeback

My favourite therapist says you can’t heal what you can’t feel. And you can’t feel what you deny (or you are unaware of) is real. I’ve embarked on a number of year long, deep healing, group therapy courses, and I’ve been able to connect a few dots. I was surprised to recognize that some of my classic, MO behaviours in the present began as childhood coping mechanisms; my neat freak clean routine (this kept me out of trouble and secured approval from my parents), my tendency to over-give (again, secured approval as a good girl at home). Now that I’m aware of it, I’ve been able to curb certain behaviours. It’s a weight off actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Black sheep usually the cycle breaker?…

If you are a woman who feels like the black sheep of her family, read this:

There will always be moments when you wonder why you never fit in the way everyone else seemed to. Why your thoughts were different, why your feelings were stronger, why you always sensed things no one else acknowledged. You grew up learning to quiet your truth just to keep the peace. You learned to shrink yourself so no one would call you difficult or dramatic. And somewhere along the line, you forgot that being different is not a flaw. It is a sign of depth, of awareness, of spirit. Feeling like the outsider in your own family creates a loneliness that is hard to explain. It is the kind of ache that follows you into adulthood, making you question your worth in rooms where you deserve to stand tall. But here is the truth. The black sheep is usually the cycle breaker. The one who sees the patterns everyone else ignores. The one who refuses to repeat the hurt she grew up with. The one who becomes exactly what the next generation needs. You were never meant to blend in. You were meant to evolve. To grow. To rise. And even if they never understood you, understand yourself. Be kind to the girl inside you who has always felt misplaced. She deserved love. She still does. 

— Unknown (quote from Pinterest) 

Well, wow. This really describes how I felt growing up. My favourite therapist says that if even one person in the family pursues healing work, the whole family benefits. Not to mention the lifeline for the one brave enough to sit in the hot seat (couch). Just sayin’ ; ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

What we allow will continue…

Uncomfortable truth:  

You teach people how to treat you. 

Accept disrespect? You’ll get more.

Tolerate lateness? It becomes normal.

Forgive without change? It continues.

People don’t treat you how you deserve. They treat you how you allow. 

Boundaries aren’t mean - they are instructive.

— @scottdclary

I find boundaries a work in progress, and easier with certain personalities. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Romance the smallest part of life partnership…

When you choose a life partner:

romance is the smallest part of it. You are choosing the way conflict will be handled in your home. You are choosing how money will be spent, saved, or wasted. You are choosing whether growth will be encouraged or dismissed. You are choosing how mistakes will be met, with cruelty or grace. You are choosing how anger will sound in your household and how silence will feel. You are choosing whose habits you will live with every single day. Chemistry fades. Irresponsibility, disrespect, and immaturity do not. The wrong choice will cost you years of peace you will never get back. The right choice gives you more than love. It gives you safety, stability, and a life you can finally breathe in.

— Unknown 

I sure wish I’d learned this earlier, as I certainly lost years of peace. My relationship break downs led to transformative therapy though, and I figured out how to select a better matched partnership, with respect,  maturity and safety. Fewf.  Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Not a safe person…

I can have empathy and compassion over someone’s history and still recognize they’re not a safe person.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve struggled to set certain boundaries. I have “allowed” behaviours that I am actually uncomfortable with. In fact, they’re deal breakers; judgmental tendencies, needing to walk on eggshells, lack of accountability, and hypocrisy (expecting certain treatment, while not reciprocating in kind). I understand my struggle, given a very nostalgic history and legitimate connection. But at the end of the day, I’ve chosen peace and a safe environment. It was a long time coming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The question of emotional capacity…

The more emotionally intelligent you become, the less you take things personally. You begin to realize that the way someone treats you is shaped by their relationship with themselves, their self-awareness, their emotional capacity, and their nervous system state. 

You learn that someone’s capacity to meet you has nothing to do with your value, and everything to do with their own.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says we tend to attract and be attracted to someone who is equally capable and incapable of a healthy committed relationship and intimacy. And he says it’ll always look to us that we are the more capable one ;) In my experience, emotional capacity grows profoundly with a focus on deep healing work and learning new relationship skills. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

Toxic family rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist helped me with “complicated grieving” after my mother’s passing. My mother was unwell physically and mentally during my upbringing, which left the bulk of household responsibilities to me and my sister. And from a very young age as well. I have pictures of us standing on chairs washing dishes at 5/7’ish years old. Into our adult years my sister and I got busy with our own lives, and my brother took a turn (he also lived at home until 30 years old). Shockingly, whey my mother died, she pretty much left everything to my brother, as though our work camp-like childhood never happened. This was a crushing moment with no possible resolution. Fortunately, I learned that there are ways of dealing with such cases. So I followed my therapist’s guidance and wrote various letters to my mother. We went a step further and wrote a bio, with an eye on her vantage point. It was a most pleasant turn to find empathy for my mother and her unique challenges. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The external world and our lack of control…

The more we value things outside of our control, the less control we have.

— Epictetus (Ancient philosopher, who taught that we cannot control external events, and should therefore focus on self-discipline, acceptance and inner freedom) 

My favourite therapist would say something similar. In his forty years of individual and family counselling, he feels that healing and recovery tend to require the cultivation of internal strength, and some sense of  “higher power”. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Ten toes in the circle for true, committed love…

You need to stop giving 100% to people who give 30%.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist talks about ten toes in the circle for any committed, monogamous relationship to have a shot at lasting success. Each person must have both feet in, fully invested. And he says you can’t put in twelve toes while the other person puts in eight. Both scenarios are not an example of committed love. It’s taken me an embarrassing amount of time to understand that over-giving is not love, but a trauma response. Apparently, if you grow up feeling neglected, clamouring for attention and feedback, odds are you become a “fixer”, or a caretaker. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Listen to hear, or understand?…

I used to think communication was everything, until I realized understanding is. 

You can talk all you want, but if the other person doesn’t truly hear you, it’s just noise. 

— Unknown 

I’ve learned a lot about “clearing” from my favourite therapist. Clearing involves approaching someone you have tension with and attempting to clear the air. Within the context of the weekend therapy seminars I’ve taken, we’re instructed to own our own reactions and responses to other people. The intention is to understand ourselves and our reactions better, and potentially identify and resolve root causes. As per my therapist, our triggers are typically a result of our own issues, and probably less to do with the person who has annoyed/hurt/angered us in the present moment. I have found clearing to be a process, requiring a humble vulnerability and a willingness to be known. For me, understanding has been a wonderful outcome. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

The nervous system remembers…

You may not remember, but your nervous system does. 

That’s why when you’re triggered without knowing why, you’re anxious for “no reason”, you have chronic symptoms but doctors say you’re fine, you feel overwhelmed when “nothing is wrong” and you’re dissociated but don’t even know it. 

— Unknown 

I was at least somewhat aware of the effects of my traumatic childhood, but I had no idea the depth and complexity of the issues. I’ve worked with a therapist for many years now, and we continue to find root causes of the triggers and hurt feelings of today. For example, if I feel I haven’t been recognized for something important, or if I haven’t been factored into an important decision, I can slide right back to some very foundational and sad feelings of neglect. In my experience, it has been extremely freeing to disentangle my old wounds from today’s relationships. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

My therapist told me:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over planning and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist, in his forty years of private practice, has observed that healing, particularly from trauma, tends to require a belief in something larger than oneself. Whether one believes in God or not, he advises cultivating a relationship with a “higher power”, or a sense of “God” or “Spirit”. And this, he says, provides a reprieve, and comfort, from the stressors, and lack of control, in the our mortal world. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Sucking the life out of you…

You can’t keep getting mad at people for sucking the life out of you if you keep giving them the straw.

— Unknown

I finally learned about my deal breakers in love. But it’s taken me forever to say no thank you to certain behaviours in certain friendships. I allowed some degree of rudeness, prickliness, negativity and judgemental tendencies, mainly due to legacy and nostalgia. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Duty and obligation revisited…

My mentor told me, “Showing your emotions to the wrong people is like bleeding next to a shark.” 

And I felt that.

— Unknown 

I don’t know about you, but I’ve had to draw new boundaries in my relationships. My favourite therapist helped me understand what I need and how to better take care of myself. For example, my therapist calls into question duty and obligation. He proposes that we should only proceed with certain plans and commitments if, and only if, we choose to, and if we have the energy… even when it comes to family. It had never occurred to me that “obligations” could potentially be optional? Clearly, I hadn’t been making my well being enough of a priority. And ignoring one’s needs can actually lead to depression, and even ill health. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A softer life exists…

No one tells you now hard it is to rewire your brain to allow amazing things to happen after experiencing so much trauma and pain. Blessings exist, good people exist, and a softer life exists. Let it happen.

— Unknown 

I hadn’t really considered this particular after effect of trauma. But no question, I’ve absolutely braced myself for the other shoe to drop throughout my life, after an unpredictable and unsafe upbringing. So, I’m going to let this lovely and calming idea of a softer life sink in today… Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Learn to calm your own storm…

My therapist told me:

“Learn to calm your own storm instead of venting to other people. It sounds therapeutic to let it all out, but you’re reinforcing your negative thoughts. It’s no one’s job but yours to pull you out of your own shit. Journal, meditate, exercise and release.” 

And then it all made sense.

— Unknown 

For me, therapy, energy work and life coaching have been invaluable. Journaling, meditating and exercise are a wonderful supplement, but some things are just beyond me to go it alone. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Carrying words you cannot say…

Carl Jung said, “Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” Loneliness is rarely about empty rooms. It is about carrying words you cannot say and truths you do not feel safe to share. Healing is learning to speak what matters most so you are no longer alone with it. This is the work of letting yourself be seen and known for who you really are. 

— Unknown 

Wow, this is such an incredible teaching. I’ve been working on “having my own back” more, as per my favourite therapist. And I am still learning how to be vulnerable and speak to my needs. I find that when I share deep truths, lovingly and respectfully, a warmer togetherness is the result. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Love by fixing or over-giving?…

My therapist told me:

“When a person grows up feeling unseen, they learn to love by over-giving. The pour everything into everyone else, hoping that, one day, someone will finally pour back into them. So they become the care taker. The fixer, the one who shows up, even when no one shows up for them.” And the hardest part? Deep down, they’re not trying to be strong. They’re just waiting for someone to do for them what they’ve spent their whole life doing for everyone else.” 

— Unknown 

That was so me. Fortunately, layer by later, and thanks to my favourite therapist, I’ve soothed and healed enough old wounds to know how to take care of myself, and leave others to their end in things. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things that drain our energy…

Journaling prompts:

• What do I need more of in my life?
• What do I want to be for myself?
• If I was living my dream life, what would it look like?
• How have I been feeling recently?
• What am I most excited for?
• What has been giving me energy?
• What has been draining my energy?

— @betteryouforyou

A very savvy coach advised me to consider such questions and to set intentions around them. For example, how do I want to feel in my primary relationship, what sort of corporate culture would suit me best, what sort of manager would I prefer to deal with, what do I want to keep doing in my life and what activities do I never want to do again. Taking stock in this way led to the perfect love of my life, going on 11 years now, and my ideal job, going on 13 years. Just sayin’ ;)  Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl