Things that exist, but you can’t see…

• All the compliments that people have thought of you but never shared.
• Your tiny cells fighting together to keep you alive. 
• How proud little you would be of the person you’ve become.
• You showing up in others’ dreams.
• Your endless potential and power to create whatever your heart desires.
• People thinking of you and smiling. 
• How much you’ve already healed. 

— @latenightepiphanies_

Being the touch’y-feel’y girl that I am, I love such sentiments. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Life changes…

You lose love. You lose friends.

You lose pieces of yourself that you never imagined would be gone.

And then, without you even realizing it, these pieces come back.

New love enters. Better friends come along. And a stronger, wiser you 

is staring back in the mirror.

— Unknown

I have lost love. I have lost friends. I have faced betrayal (in love, friendship and at the hands of my mother!). I have survived divorce, job loss, near bankruptcy and a health scare. I find I’ve taken a keen interest in how I manage my emotions and thoughts during a crisis, particularly during the not knowing phase. The emotions feel scary. The thoughts are often worse. And thank GOD for my spiritual fall back, because this has allowed me to surrender, as best as possible, and let life be what it is. The brain wants to nail down facts and find solutions, comparing all the various scary scenarios. And this can be a brutal roller coaster ride. For me, leaning into faith brings a sense of calm and makes life feel more manageable. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Some things you won’t get over…

There will be some things you won’t get over.  

Some things that will sting you so hard they will set you back to where you started. And you will hurt and hurt and hurt. But you will also rise from it. You will learn from the past. You will adapt and survive no matter how hard it gets. You will shape your own reality and accept how you should never settle for anything less than you deserve.

— r.m. Drake 

It took me years to get over my last break up. I was soooo mad at myself because in truth I was done a full year before things fell apart. I kind of left the relationship without moving out. I had been moving away on every level, but wasn’t truthful about the extent of things. More importantly, I wasn’t honest with myself. And did I ever pay for that. He ended up falling in love with someone else, in the middle of the relationship (someone from our inner circle) and things ended in a sudden, shocking, and humiliating way. I understand why I delayed. I wasn’t certain that a better relationship was possible, and I was afraid of being single in my city, which is notoriously low on eligible bachelors. But what I learned is that you either have a great match, or you’ll have a challenging relationship that will likely fall apart anyway. Fortunately, I learned my lesson. I decided I’d rather be alone forever than go through another break up and I took the time to understand myself, my needs, my wants, my can’t live with’s and my can’t live withouts. And I realized that each of my past partners actually had serious deal breakers. Duh. So I hadn’t been selective enough in choosing a life partner. I ended up meeting my perfect partner and love of my life within a year. Just sayin’ : ) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Time doesn’t heal…

Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just gives them some space to sink into the subconscious where they still impact your emotions and behaviours. What heals is going inward, loving yourself, accepting yourself, listening to your needs, addressing your attachments and emotional history, and learning how to let go and follow your intuition.

— Yung Pueblo (Diego Perez is a Mediator and # 1 New York Times bestselling author, who goes by the pen name Yung Pueblo. He has an online following of 4 million, and has sold over 1.5 million books. His focus is on the power of self-healing and creating healthy relationships).

My favourite therapist says relationships are a great litmus test for how we’re doing emotionally because loved ones tend to get under our skin and trigger unresolved emotional issues. And this actually presents an opportunity to address our baggage, and evolve toward healthier relationships. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

When have I felt betrayed?…

Shadow Work: Journal prompts

• What’s the biggest lie I tell myself consistently?
• When am I the hardest on myself and why? Where does it stem from?
• When have I felt betrayed? What would I say to that person who broke my trust?
• What makes me feel the most jealous?
• What’s one trait I see in other people I wish I had?
• What traits do my parents have that I hope I don’t?
• What are my most toxic traits and how do I project them onto others?
• When I think about the future, what am I most afraid of?
• When was the last time I forgave myself?
• What does happiness mean to me?

— Unknown 

In therapy, particularly the group work, we answer a lot of these questions. We’re given exercises, written work, and then at some point you share out loud. It’s amazing the unexpressed emotion and hurt that pours out of you. It’s quite the catharsis, and a big relief frankly, in my experience. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

A beautiful life is designed and built with intent…

A beautiful life does not just happen. A beautiful life is selected, it is designed. It is built with a fiery intent to find joy in every little thing. It is how you fold your sheets and take your coffee in the morning. It is what you look forward to, it’s what you plan. It’s how you set your things throughout your space. We think that our greatest happiness comes spontaneously, but we often find our greatest joy in our rhythms, our routines, when we settle into a way of being that lights up every part of who we are. A beautiful life is one that reflects exactly who we are, in every way we can. 

— Brianna Wiest, Power of Wordz/ig

Another thing I figured out far too late in life, Lol. But seriously, with professional help (a traditional therapist and a life coach/energy work/osteopath), I learned how to be very honest, and accept myself for who I am, and embrace the things I enjoy doing. And I thought, if that makes me not outdoorsy enough (because I don’t like hiking or kayaking, in a city of people who love that sort of thing), or not cultured enough (because I’m bored in museums and I don’t like the ballet or opera), then so be it. I realized I was just done doing things I don’t enjoy (like cycling around a small, mostly deserted island! Because I’m a city girl who likes movies, intimate concerts, hockey games, bars, restaurants and shopping). Once I became clear on the life I want to lead, my perfect partner showed up. And the perfect job too! Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

You cannot heal what you cannot feel…

I sat with my anger and asked why it kept showing up. 

It said, “Because you’ve been hurt, and no one listened.”

I sat with my sadness and asked why it never left.

It said, “Because I’m the love and care you never received.”

I sat with my fear and asked why it controlled me. 

It said, “Because I’m the part of you that’s still waiting to feel safe.”

Then I realized these feelings weren’t my enemies. 

They were wounds, asking to be seen.

My favourite therapist says “You cannot feel what you deny. And you cannot heal what you cannot feel.”

So, in other words, a bit of emotional excavating is necessary, if we want to heal from old wounds. I’ve recently embarked on another, year long, intensive group therapy workshop (because I’m grappling with my mother’s death, and the fall out from my troubled family of origin). I continue to be surprised at the depth of hurt feelings from my upbringing. And the catharsis is incredibly freeing, and calming. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Remove yourself…

Something or someone makes you uncomfortable? Remove yourself.

You’re being placed in an unfair situation? Remove yourself.

In a one sided friendship or relationship? Remove yourself.

Is something causing your peace to be disrupted? Remove yourself. 

Remember you don’t owe a single person an explanation. You have the power to remove yourself, block, disengage, and live your life without looking back. 

Let others interpret it however they want. If it’s what’s best for you, nothing else matters. 

— Unknown 

I learned this lesson waaaaay too late in life. I stayed in relationships, jobs and friendships far too long. I know I’m not alone in resisting change, but if I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, I would embrace change. Remaining stuck in something that’s not, in truth, working, is so much more tedious. And then you have the potentially crappy endings too, when you don’t leave on your own terms. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

To protect your energy…

It’s okay to cancel a commitment. 

It’s okay to not answer a call.

It’s okay to change your mind.

It’s okay to want to be alone.

It’s okay to take a day off.

It’s okay to do nothing.

It’s okay to speak.

It’s okay to let go.

— Unknown

I wish I could go back and tell my younger self. I took care of others, ahead of myself, far too often. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Uncommon advice…

If you don’t know what to pursue in life right now, 

Pursue yourself. 

Pursue becoming the healthiest, happiest, most healed, most present, most confident version of yourself.

Then the right path will reveal itself. 

— Unknown 

That is very enlightened advice. In my youth, I mostly pursued love, money, fun, adventure, security, safety. Thanks to divorce, and a savvy ex, I’ve also invested heavily in therapy and relationship courses.  Game changer. With deep emotional healing, I’ve come to cherish down time, sleep, calm and quality over quantity with friends and loved ones. Money’s still in there because I love, and need, warm vacations to get me through winter. But spending, acquiring more stuff, and climbing the corporate ladder slid down the list significantly. It’s really quite freeing. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Distancing from unhealthy energy…

Distancing yourself from people who give you negative vibes or unhealthy energy is self-care. Stepping back from situations where you feel unappreciated or disrespected is self-care. Choose to honour your feelings and boundaries, respectfully and gracefully. 

— Marc and Angel Chernoff, (Known for their Power of Wordz personal development blog, Marc and Angel believe words have the power to heal, inspire and uplift others. They encourage mindful communication, using compassion and kindness to improve the lives of those around us.)

I don’t know about you, but I experienced the opposite growing up. My favourite therapist says that most of us learn about what is NOT love, rather than what love is. I came away with some great intellectual tools, and I certainly learned how to think for myself. But boundaries, empathy and compassion were sorely missing. There was no modelling of healthy communication. Just a lot of anger and hurt feelings. Needless to say, I didn’t manage to attract and/or hold onto great relationships… until I took matters into my own hands and learned about boundaries and productive, relationship building communication. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

It is okay…

The biggest lesson I’ve learned is:

It is okay.

It’s okay for me to be kind to myself. It’s okay to be wrong. It’s okay to get mad. It’s okay to be flawed. It’s okay to be happy. It’s okay to move on.

— Hayley Williams, MyPositiveOutlooks.com

I’ve always wanted to make a meaningful contribution. And I’ve also envisioned a certain level of personal and financial freedom. I’m still striving for my ultimate dream life, but lately I’ve realized that I’ve accomplished more than I’ve given myself credit for. I never wanted to be a lifer in the day job (working for others, in business development), but I realize that my joy in being of service has translated to a career that I am actually quite proud of. If I can get to that next level, as a successful entrepreneur, it’ll be the icing on the cake. Quite a freeing realization. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Things that can be true at the same time…

• Your parents did the best they could, AND their choices wounded you.
• You love someone AND you know it’s not healthy to keep them in your life.
• You’re terrified to take the next step AND you know it’s the right thing to do. 
• You want to have healthy relationships AND unresolved trauma is making it difficult.
• You’re afraid to fail AND you believe in yourself.

— @drheidigreen

Looking back on my childhood, what bothered me, and still bothers me, is that my parents did nothing to change their crappy, damaging dynamic. My aunt and uncle put the whole family in therapy, and it served them well. I was super impressed. I just don’t understand the Groundhog Day of doing the same thing over and over again and living in hell. Which is why I go to therapy, attend weekend relationship workshops, read great books, and remain accountable for myself and my actions. I want to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Conserve your energy…

Don’t entertain negative energy. Some situations will test your patience and try to make you overreact, overthink, and respond to things that don’t deserve your life force. Your attention is your power. Don’t feed what doesn’t add value to your life. Conserve your energy.

— Unknown 

I remember reading a great article about coping strategies, and how some of us rely on a glass-half-full mentality to calm ourselves and maintain hope, where others prefer a more “realistic” mindset, so they’re not disappointed. I’ve just always felt better envisioning joyful outcomes. I know things don’t work out sometimes, and I’m prepared to deal with that, but I don’t want to spend a moment longer than necessary thinking about yucky stuff. I’m also spiritual and believe in co-creating one’s reality; being clear on what you want, setting goals, planning and preparing for your dreams and taking action where possible. It’s certainly worked for me over the years, having found both my ideal partner and the perfect job. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Habits with the highest rate of return in life…

1. Exercise daily, it pays off in health and energy.

2. Keep learning, growth is a lifelong journey.

3. Sleep is an investment in your productivity.

4. Practice mindfulness for peace and focus.

5. Financial discipline today ensures freedom tomorrow. 

6. Master time, and you master your life.

7. Read daily, expand your mind.

8. Set goals and create your future.

9. Build connections, they open doors.

10. Gratitude turns ordinary days into extraordinary ones.

11. Reflect often to improve constantly.

12. Learn to say no, protect your time.

13. Eat well, live well.

14. Journal to clear your mind and grow.

— Unknown

I was a late learner in finances. My father was a teacher and my mother never worked, so resources were scarce, and we were usually in debt. So no money management tips from the upbringing. But after losing my fancy, well paying job due to the 2008 financial crisis, I read Suze Orman’s book The 9 Steps to Financial Freedom, and began following much of her guidance. In a nutshell, I learned to save up for any big purchases, including vacations. I also pre-load a couple of credit cards. Spending money hugely lost it’s appeal after facing such a stressful financial crisis. And now seeing my bank balance grow, and interest earned, is way more exciting than buying a new pair of shoes, or what have you. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Ask for it…

Ask for healing, clarity, peace, wisdom, and guidance. Ask for abundance, creativity, light and love. Don’t be timid in your prayers or your request. Be bold. Be positive. Be grateful as everything you’re asking for is already making its way to you. 

— Unknown (via @Law.of.Attraction1111)

When I was going through my bad break up, I read a ton of books, with one standing above the rest. Ask and It Is Given, by Esther and Jerry Hicks, became my lifeline. The teachings helped me focus on and clarify what I wanted, which strengthened my inner resolve. I’ve always been a positive, glass-half-full person, but I achieved a better mental and emotional foundation, by incorporating many of the teachings into my morning writing ritual. Most of my dreams have since come true, and I continue to be proactive in manifesting my ultimate dream life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl  

How people make you feel…

People that love you, care about how they make you feel.

The end.

— Unknown 

This is a very interesting discussion. On the surface, I agree. And I spent far too much time around people who made me feel bad (including some family). But after spending years in therapy and in relationship skills/group therapy workshops, I also know it’s not that simple. We can be boxed in my upbringing. We can box people out because of upbringing. We can rely on outdated coping mechanisms because of upbringing. And all of these things can prevent us from loving others (and ourselves) properly. For example, I used to go pretty silent and sort of paralyzed when I felt hurt, which is the most unhelpful thing ever for a relationship. And so I needed to learn, and did learn fortunately, how to articulate what was going on for me, and make requests on my behalf. What a game changer for your partner and for the health and happiness of your relationship(s). Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

This need for certainty that we all have…

Rather than 

trying to know and figure it all out, live in the curiosity of it all. You don’t have to know where you’ll be a year from now, you don’t even have to know what you’ll be doing a month from now. Move away from this need for certainty that we all have, and move toward the curiosity that we all need. Just be. Live in the moment with every bit of your life force, and enjoy the gift of the present. The treasures of your life will present themselves to you only if you really are open to them. 

— Robin Sharma  

I don’t know about you, but I felt lighter reading this. We can’t predict what’s going to happen, and worrying is down right exhausting. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Respond, don’t react…

When you react to something someone says or does, you may have a problem with boundaries. If someone is able to cause havoc by doing or saying something, she is in control of you at that point and your boundaries are lost. 

When you respond, you remain in control with options and choices. If you feel yourself reacting, step away and regain control of yourself so family members can’t force you to do or say something you do not want to do or say; and something that violates your separateness. 

When you have kept your boundaries, choose the best option. The difference between responding and reacting is choice. When you are reacting, they are in control. When you respond, you are.

— Dr Henry Cloud and Dr Joh Townsend (Book: Boundaries) 

For me, establishing healthy boundaries and learning to respond, rather than react, took therapy. Much therapy. And relationship skills education. I simply didn’t learn this stuff at home. I also had certain hot buttons, due to unresolved emotional trauma from the past (For example, my father was a tyrant who insulted my intelligence regularly). Therapy’s been cool, because now I’m able to listen with curiosity, and an interest in learning, rather than taking everything personally. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Avoid emotional dumpers?…

Emotional dumping!

1) Is talking about the sample issues over and over again

2) Leaves you feeling drained and overwhelmed

3) Doesn’t show respect for your emotional space

4) If often one-sided and goes on and on

5) Involves getting stuck in a cycle of complaints 

6) Leaves no room for solutions or accountability

— @heybobbibanks

Oh man. I’ve faced loads of this over the years. Fortunately, when my mother passed away my tolerance absolutely cratered, and much of this (negativity, complaining and blaming) fell by the way side. I am now surrounded by those focused on health, accountability and a more positive existence. It’s nice. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl