Struggle is inevitable…

Your entire life will change when you realize that suffering is negotiable but struggle is mandatory.

You get to pick your hard. The hard of discipline or the hard of regret. The hard of growth or the hard of staying stuck. Choose your suffering wisely.

— @scottclary

I can thank my ex-husband for the intro to my favourite therapist. Early on in our dating, I was agonizing over some family drama, and he stopped me cold. He said, “And who do you have to talk to about this stuff?” To which I said, “Well, my friends, and you.” To which he promptly said, “Yeah, that’s not happening. You need to speak to a professional about these issues, which are clearly deep rooted, and very upsetting for you.” Boom! Surprisingly, I wasn’t offended. I was curious. He recommended that I attend a couple of deep healing workshops, run by his favourite therapist. I was game, and the moment the therapist opened his mouth, I was mesmerized. I’ve been working with this therapist ever since and I owe him a lot. I simply would not be where I am in both career and my personal life without his teachings and wise counsel. I chose the hard of growth, and this is hands down the best decision I’ve made in my life. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl

Mind’s struggle with uncertainty…

A wise monk once said:

Anxiety isn’t just fear, it’s the mind’s struggle with uncertainty. When you can’t tolerate the unknown, you try to control it through overthinking, over-planning, and overdoing. But that only convinces your brain you’re unsafe. 

Healing begins when you train your nervous system to feel safe in the unknown. I don’t know what will happen, but I trust I’ll be okay.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist gave me a great exercise to help with a big heath unknown I’m dealing with. The exercise is from the 12 Step program actually, and I must say it has been profoundly helpful. So I spent considerable time writing out the statement “I admit that I am powerless against____ (fill in the blank), and my life has become unmanageable. I ended up writing out a hundred of these statements, addressing all of my fears and worries. And then my therapist had me read a bunch of them out loud. He says having a witness is key in getting the most out of the exercise, which is humbling, and effective. Honestly, I don’t think anything has EVER helped me deal with anxiety and the unknown more than this exercise. I now have a sense of calm around the waiting. Fewf! Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Rejection leads to something better?…

• Let people be who they want to be, then decide if you want them in your life.
• Trust that rejection is always redirection to something bigger and better.
• Some people are only meant to help you grow, not be in your life forever.
• What if everything is falling apart to come together in a way you can’t guess?
• Focus only on what you can control.

— Unknown 

I’ve been notorious in my resistance to change. Which is weird because change has always gone extremely well for me. But I’ve sat in fear of the unknown, holding onto a troubled present, particularly in relationships. All of my past relationships, in truth, had at least two deal breakers; chronic and disrespectful lateness, an obstinate disregard for division of labour on chores, anger issues, lack of affection and compassion, lack of common interests. If I could go back in time, I would tell my younger self to be non-negotiable on deal breakers because they tank any relationship. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Accepting the apology you’ll never get…

I literally cried when my therapist said:

Toxic family members rarely apologize. They would rather carry their denial to the grave than face the damage they’ve caused. In their minds, the pain they created was somehow your fault. 

Sometimes healing means accepting the apology you’ll never get. 

— Giamsafewithinn/@mindsets

I take comfort in knowing I tried my absolute best to achieve any form of resolution with my mother before her passing. I learned the hard way with my father’s passing. There were things I wish I’d talked to him about. Although, in my defence, he was a pretty scary, volatile character and I struggled to be an adult around him. So, with my mother, I was determined to use every communication skill I’ve acquired in therapy to discuss my upbringing, and the complex nature of our relationship. Somehow, even though I’m her actual daughter, I always felt like a step child. And when we talked, I felt like she was confiding in me as a friend, or acquaintance even, rather than a daughter. We never got down to any real clarification, or understanding. She rattled on about how much her and my father loved us kids, and didn’t seem to hear anything I was saying. She went to her grave, in my opinion, with a grudge against me and my sister, all the while loving my brother unconditionally. It’s painful. But it’s over now, and I am left to find my resolution in therapy. And therapy helps enormously. The pain dulls, and I’m beginning to accept my mother for the limited, perhaps emotionally and mentally unevolved, and flawed person she was. Frankly, I’m just relieved to be unburdening myself of some of the weight of this torturous relationship. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Inherit our parents’ features and some of the baggage…

We inherit not only our parents’ features but their unfinished emotional work. 

Some of it is ours to end.

— Unknown

My two big take aways from therapy and therapist led relationship seminars; 1) we don’t necessarily learn healthy communication/relationship skills at home, and it’s never too late to correct this, and 2) we probably all have at least some unresolved emotional wounds from childhood, and it’s never too late to save our “Inner Child” from the confusion/misunderstandings and sadness around these early childhood traumas. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Emotional withdrawal a coping mechanism…

People who go silent when something upsets or hurts them, are often experiencing a coping mechanism called emotional withdrawal. It’s not that they have nothing to say, it’s that their system learned that silence is safer than being misunderstood. Instead of expressing anger or disappointment or frustration, they hold it in. 

— Unknown 

Silence was my coping mechanism for a long time, Lol. Fortunately, therapy and practice, have taught me how to express my thoughts, feelings and needs. This emotional evolution has enabled me to draw healthy boundaries and make reasonable requests, which resolve misunderstandings quite nicely. This may be one of the biggest accomplishments of my life actually. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You’re here to live, not just to hustle…

You are not a machine. You’re a soul who needs music, connection, sunsets, laughter, and small pockets of joy. Prioritize them like your life depends on it because it does. Life isn’t meant to be a cycle of stress and survival. Pause. Look up. Let the sunset remind you: you’re here to live, not just to hustle. Life is not a to-do list. It’s a gift. Walk slower. Hug longer. Laugh louder. Love deeper. The clock may be ticking, but your presence it timeless. We’ve been conditioned to believe that constant productivity equals worth, but humans weren’t designed for endless output. We need moments of wonder, connection, and rest, not as rewards for hard work, but as essential ingredients for a meaningful life. 

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist says that life will always be up and down, or “fair to middlin’” if we remain caught up in the to-do list. He believes that focusing on our moments of joy, however small at times, is the answer to living a more rewarding life. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl