Keep looking…

Please keep looking. Not for a person, but for your passion, your love, your courage, your goals, your dreams, your happiness, yourself. Keep looking. Explore yourself before you explore another. Know your worth, know yourself. Only then will you know what you need over what you want. You need yourself to become your own. 

— Unknown 

I didn’t find my perfect career position, or the love of my life, until I learned about what I needed. I finally realized I’d rather be alone than be in the wrong relationship and so I identified my deal breakers and must-have’s. Work wise, I knew I couldn’t deal with another cold, corporate culture. I made a very specific list for both goals (thanks to my very savvy coach, who taught me about outlining specific, written intentions), and landed everything on my list, and then some. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Family is supposed to be safe…

Family is supposed to be our safe place. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache. 

— Iyanla Vanzant

I had a difficult childhood (and family situation in general). I’ve done oodles of individual therapy, group therapy, energy work, EMDR, re-birthing, you name it. I’ve spent a ton of time, energy and money (because none of the work I’ve done is covered by my typically comprehensive healthcare). I’ve also shed rivers of tears. I’d do it all again too because the “work” has helped immensely. But as my favourite therapist says “Some things are just our legacy. We cannot change our family of origin and so there’s an acceptance required.” (I’m paraphrasing of course, but something to that effect). These days it’s common to hear that family can also be the people you choose, who are your safe place, and I love this philosophy. During the pandemic, I remember reading about all the various losses we were all suffering, and one of the surprising ones was acquaintances, such as the people you see regularly at the gym, or your favourite coffee shop or local pub. I couldn’t agree more. I’m lucky enough to enjoy a sweet kinship at a couple of my neighbourhood coffee shops (where 15’ish off us go almost every morning). There’s an unconditional, non-judgmental vibe, where you can totally be yourself. It’s good for the soul. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Rest is productive…

What I’m learning

Rest is productive. I don’t have to do it all. ‘No’ is a full sentence. God can do a lot with the small gaps in the day. Perspective and mindset is absolutely everything. Generosity leads to deep joy.

— Hanna Brencher 

I really like Brencher’s list. I’m presently working on “the small gaps in the day.” I keep reminding myself to take deep breaths and go “inward”, instead of allowing fear and stress to hijack my energy and faith. I’ve also been reminding myself that much of what we worry about never happens. Just sayin’  ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Stop the bad pattern…

After a while, you realize “this isn’t what I want to keep going through”, and you just stop.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist alerted me to my pattern of choosing/attracting/accepting controlling men like my father. They were initially loving and attentive, which felt caring and safe. But then, inevitably, the attentiveness would turn to stifling micromanagement. I made the mistake one last time, with an even more angry and controlling partner. I finally realized I’d rather be alone than be in a stressful relationship that doesn’t actually meet my needs. After a time out, and a necessary “list” adjustment (no controlling, angry partners) I was able to recognize the red flags and choose a considerate, respectful and highly compatible parnter. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Things no one apologized for…

May you heal from the things no one ever apologized for…

— Unknown 

I felt better just reading that sentence. We’re certainly left to pick up the pieces in our lives, aren’t we. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

We all have baggage…

We all have a bag. 

We all pack differently. Some of us are traveling light. Some of us are secret hoarders who’ve never parted with a memory in our lives. I think we are all called to figure out how to carry our bag to the best of our ability, how to unpack it, and how to face the mess. I think part of growing up is learning how to sit down  the floor with all your things and figuring out what to take with you and what to leave behind. 

— Hannah Brencher (Author, TED speaker, online educator. Brencher believes in building an intentional life, using the power of discipline and better habits). 

A very savvy life coach taught me about the power of intention. I’ve always been disciplined and goal oriented, but I hadn’t quite applied intention to finding the perfect partner (who lines up with how I want to live my life) and landing the ideal job (with a fitting manager, corporate culture, quality of life). My coach advised me to sit down and envision that perfect relationship and that perfect job, and write out in great detail how I would feel and what my days would look like. For example, I wrote down that I wanted a partner who would enjoy doing the household tasks with me, like cooking or washing dishes together, and who would hug me from behind for no reason. At work, I wanted a manager who would offer independence, and empower me to achieve my best. I wanted to be a part of an entrepreneurial culture that prioritized people first. And of course, I wanted a certain compensation package. Needless to say, my intentions came to fruition, and I’ve been with my perfect partner going on 10 years now and I’ve been in the perfect role/career for 11 years now. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

You’re enough…

When we work from a place, I believe, that says “I’m enough” then we stop screaming and start listening. We’re kinder and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves. 

— Brene Brown (Clinic Social Worker, academic and public speaker. Brown is known for her work on shame, vulnerability, leadership and for her highly regarded 2010 TEDx talk. She has written six number-one New York Times bestselling books and hosted two Spotify podcasts)

We get older and we, technically speaking, become adults. What I’ve learned from my favourite therapist, and a multitude of weekend individual and relationship courses however, is that there remains a part of us that is childlike. And that “Inner Child”, left unchecked, can wreak havoc on our lives and relationships. Personally, I was diagnosed with a father issue and a “loveability” issue, which explains my lack of success in marriage to that point. I pursued intensive therapy to resolve my relationship issues and it worked. I can’t recommend counselling enough. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

 

Sometimes, as an adult, you have to decide…

“This is the last time these people are gonna make me feel this way” & stand on it. 

Whether it’s family, a relationship, or a friendship.

— Unknown 

My favourite therapist has similar advice. He challenges the traditional notion of duty and obligation. Period. He says if we have the energy, and we choose to extend of ourselves, that’s fine. But he encourages an honest accounting of one’s available bandwidth (physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually) and suggests saying no when it’s in the best interest of our health and well being. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Beneath each behaviour is a feeling, and a need…

Beneath each behaviour there is a feeling. 

And beneath each feeling is a need.

And when we meet that need, rather than focus on the behaviour, we begin to deal with the cause, not the symptom.

— Ashleigh Warner (Family Psychologist, who believes that the “answers for each family aren’t held in a set of pre-prescribed parenting rules; they are found within the parents themselves.”)

I ended up in intensive therapy to save my marriage, and soon learned that I was indeed part of the problem. I was immediately diagnosed with a father issue and a “loveability” issue. My therapist claimed that he would likely be the first male I would ever trust in my life. He was right. My parents were both heavy handed in their child rearing, with little to no focus on praise and positive encouragement. It was tough love all the way, and this left me with a broken compass, according to my therapist. Therapy changed my life for the better, in every respect. I have since thrived in my career and finances. I also met the love of my life, and more importantly, our relationship is built on respect, healthy boundaries and loving and empathetic communication. Just sayin’ :) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Finally learned the lesson…

We don’t walk away to teach people a lesson.

We walk away because we finally learned ours.

— MovitateMe247

In therapy, I learned about my pattern of choosing men like my father; attentive, but overbearing, and controlling in the end. I learned that we tend to gravitate to the familiar because it feels comfortable. The dynamic is something we’re used to, and so we may not recognize it as a potential deal breaker. I finally realized I could say no to this kind of relationship micro-management. Thank goodness! Who needs or wants to walk on eggshells in your romantic relationship. It was hard enough doing that throughout my entire upbringing. Just sayin’ ;) Hug and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“I wish more people knew”…

Healing the nervous system is about being still. Laying in the sun. Being present while you eat your food. Listening to the sounds of nature. Letting your imagination run wild. Instead of routine, the body needs less.

— @the.holistic.psychologist

Wow, I already feel more relaxed and at peace. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Struggle is just another word for growth…

It’s okay to be at a place of struggle. Struggle is just another word for growth. Even the most evolved beings find themselves in a place of struggle now and then. In fact, struggle is a sure sign to them that they are expanding; it is their indication of real and important progress. The only one who doesn’t struggle is the one who doesn’t grow. So if you are struggling right now, see it as a terrific sign—celebrate your struggle. 

— Neale Donald Walsch (American author of 28 books, including the international bestseller Conversations with God, which remained on the New York Times Bestseller List for 135 weeks. Walsch was also a radio station program director, newspaper managing editor, marketing and public relations expert, actor, screenwriter, and speaker. In the early 1990’s Walsch suffered a series of crushing blows (fire that destroyed all of his belongings, divorce, and a car accident that left him with a broken neck), which left him alone, unemployed and severely down on his luck. During this despondent time, he worked his way out of homelessness and began writing. Conversations with God was published five years later). 

My lowest point also followed job loss, divorce and a much reduced quality of life. I had to halt all spending, other than essentials for a few years. I did continue with my usual morning coffee and writing ritual though, which allowed for intense soul searching (and job searching). This time also led to the inception of this very blog, which I continue to love writing, 10 years later. I struggled, I evolved and I  learned how to live well below my means. In fact, I hardly think of spending money, other than saving up for warm beach vacations and dinners out. I rarely buy retail clothing, as much as I love fashion. Instead, I consignment shop and enjoy the treasure hunt of it all, at beautifully affordable prices. My near bankruptcy was the most stressful time of my life, but it led to more financial freedom than I could have imagined. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

Disease prevention lifestyle…

Prioritizing good sleep 

Prioritizing real/unprocessed foods

Prioritizing mindful time

Prioritizing movement

Prioritizing time offline 

— Austin Perlmutter, MD

I’m in the medical field and there is a consensus that “exercise is medicine.” Having said that, “exercise can’t completely reverse the effects of a bad diet” experts say. Apparently, a lack of sufficient protein in the diet can cause muscle to break down, and both carbohydrates (fuel for exercise) and healthy fats (necessary for endurance and stamina) are vital. Personally, I’m always working on treat management. Sugar is darn addictive, Lol ;) Hugs and good luck. XO 

Blessings,

Chatgirl 

“Here’s a stat worth knowing”…

Here’s a stat worth knowing:

A diet in ultra-processed foods has been linked to a 44% higher risk for developing dementia, while a minimally-processed diet like the Mediterranean diet may be protective against memory loss.

— Austin Perlmutter, MD 

So I can thank my father for growing up with a vegetable garden for a backyard, instead of a pool then, Lol. Just sayin’ ;) Hugs and good luck. XO

Blessings,

Chatgirl